Design Challenges #1

This poster design involved alot of information, coupled with an image that the client wanted in its original form. Some English to French translation was also necessary.

Mr. Sting - A Poem

My desert friend; my confidant

Found in all the greatest haunts

For all the poison you disseminate

A love that won't discriminate

We humans that are brave enough

Cross species lines and pick you up

Only to quickly learn;

The biting pain for which we yearn

I feel I could shut my eyes

And rest forever here;

You could make a home

Out of my skull - Oh Stingy One!

These arid places you call home

You'll never need to roam alone

Beware the slithery devils whom

Sneak and slide right up on you

So battle-ready you must make;

How I hate those Goddamn Snakes

Inhabiting this god-forsaken place.

Mighty Crab of Land

You make me feel like quite a man;

Sting me, sting me, sting me thrice

Despite all of my mom's advice

I remain a faithful comrade

In your army

Of hard-shelled saber wielding warriors

So for now I pace these winding corridors

Waiting for my chance

To dance with death

My friend

Mr. Sting.

With egg on my face I return. I'd like to blame my move from Ottawa - the coldest place on earth - to the bustling vibe of Toronto, but I fear that certain people won't let me get away with that. I'd pretend to apologize but rather, I'll rant about the one and only thing about my new home that drives me nuts - poor sidewalk etiquette.

I'm not sure whether it was Ottawa's wider 'walks or the fact that there are fewer people, or maybe it was just that everyone still retained small town mentality (i.e. manners), but I never experienced the jostling, pushing, shoving, swearing, spitting, and general rudeness as I do now.

On a daily basis I gird myself to dodge around people that decide to stop abruptly, play Red Rover with the teenagers walking in large groups, or the people biking on the sidewalk. I mean, I know at 5'11" I'm super hard to miss, you might even be in awe of how large I am and get confused and walk into me (insert godzilla reference here), but it really does amaze me how awful Torontonians are on the sidewalk. I fear that I am turning into one of them - even if you say "excuse me" to get around one of those "slow walkers" they have no intention of moving. I find myself fighting the urge to plough through groups of people as well......I must head to the country quick to reconnect with my core pavement values for fear of turning into one of them.

Will YOU Be Ready?

I'm sure some (or all) of you have heard of the Great Ascention of 2012. Yes, that's the one. The Great one. It's the time when we humans evolve into a higher being; some would say a being of pure light, or if you play the religion angle, then maybe angels? I don't know. One thing I'm sure of though is that I'm not going to be goddamn left behind. However, many millions of people will be left on the living hell of a dying wasteland that earth will soon become.

I know you're skeptical right now. You're saying: this sounds crazy! How do I know for sure that this "ascention" is going to happen anyway? Well, you don't know. The same way that people believe in God! It's called Faith, read up on it.

I suppose a more apt explanation would be Pascal's work with probability (after spending a lifetime as a mathematical genius then suddenly finding God and abandoning all earthly tribulations) in which he reasoned that the effort it took worship and devote his life to God had a much bigger paying payoff than taking the chance of God not existing - I mean, who wants to end up in Hell?

I hope this sheds some light on the whole situation for you. I feel that it's my duty to prepare as many people as possible for this (but only the cool ones that I like - who wants to spend eternity with some joe-schmoe?). Here are several things you can do to prepare:

1. Meditate for 5-6 minutes per day...imagine collecting all of the sun's light in an ever-expanding ball above your head - see how long you can keep it there.

2. Detach yourself from your earthly possessions; they can't come with you! Neither can your little kitty Sniffles, sorry. Try to make peace with that.

3. Try to be as physically fit as possible so that you'll be prepared for any eventuality.

I know we can do this. Together.

Yours in Ascention,

Jibber-Jabber

So THAT's Why We Fight!

Does anybody actually believe that the U.S. was ever trying to bring democracy to Iraq? If so, you were misinformed. Intentionally.

The saddest part in my opinion is that hundreds upon hundreds of thousands Americans believe that Operation Iraqi Freedom still has something to do with terrorists and defending the liberty of America the Great. These so-called "Patriots" defend their ignorance vehemently, complicit in a war crime.

And believe me, invading Iraq IS a war crime.

They claim to be trying to rebuild Iraq, giving the Iraqi people the opportunity to be involved. But this is not the case. Shortly after Saddam was toppled, the U.S. taskforce actually disbanded the Iraqi army (where do you think all of these insurgents are coming from)! They then proceeded with a "de-baathing" of the government, firing thousands of employees who had linkages to Saddam's Baathist party, many who joined the party simply to gain employment.

If this wasn't enough, the U.S. decided to USE U.S. CONTRACTORS to lead the rebuilding effort, at super-inflated costs. In fact, contractors include all secondary army services (food, electricity, lodgings, water, waste), private military contractors, construction companies...the list goes on.

One of the biggest criminals here is Haliburton (of which Cheney was recently the CEO, and still holds shares), who was given a NON-COMPETITIVE, MULTI-BILLION dollar contract for services in Iraq. This is a cost-plus contract, which means that anything they spend will be reimbursed, along with a 20-40% bonus! So, you better believe that they are cutting corners. When a transport truck breaks down, they leave it in the road and torch it. Why should they care...their profit just went up! Unaccounted-for funds, over-equipping EVERYONE! It's a culture of waste for profit. I wonder if Cheney sleeps on a mattress made of gold fibers?

If you dig a little deeper, the plan for the invasion of Iraq and control of its resources began during the Bush Sr. administration (if not before). However, when asked about the possibility of invading Iraq during the Gulf War, Bush got straight to the heart of the matter. If we go in and invade, the logistics of taking over and restructuring will be unimaginable, financially and in the cost of human life (specifically soldiers). However, Wolfovitz, Cheney, and Rumsfeld (serving in Bush Sr.'s administration, already old hands at the war game by this point) never lost track of their original plan. They wanted Iraq. It was just a waiting game.

During the Clinton administration, Wolfovitz, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, among others, even LAID OUT THE SPECIFICS of the invasion in the charter of the Project for the New American Century. Their objectives were clear. Remain THE dominant superpower in the world through pre-emptive military force, including not only acces to, but CONTROL over its natural resources. They even called for the invasion of Iraq but this could not be realistically carried out without a "catalystic major event or crisis in the near future." About a year after these words were published, guess what, 9-11 happened.

Rumsfeld is one of the culprits of this disaster, I'm not surprised that he got fired.

What saddens me most is the patriotism Americans feel towards their country. The blind ignorance of the facts that are readily available at their local library. Sadly, many, many, many Americans DO NOT READ. AT ALL.

Keep fuelling the war machine, fuckers!

Daily Affirmation Preview

For your consideration:

There are three main types of people (in North America, regardless of political affiliation). Those who love and follow sports, and use their superior brain power to memorize statistics and history, theorizing as to the results of the upcoming season. Then, we have the people who have that same passion, using it in the political realm. Thirdly, we have those who are generally apathetic, working menial jobs and content to go home to their TV and TV-accompanying dinner. Which category do you fall into? Of course, there are grey areas.

I know that in my workplace, sports are discussed at great length (celebrity gossip can also be included here), however when you ask the same people about the upcoming election, you rarely get an informed answer.

The great Noam Chomsky (one of the top 10 most referenced people of the 20th century) once said that if there was a way to get people as involved and passionate about politics as they are about sports (and I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the gist), democracy might actually have a chance.

Now, I'm not putting down sports in any way. However, maybe people invest too much time memorizing and analyzing. It's really not important. I'd rather play than watch to be honest. Another interesting point: the professional athletes who we pay increasingly exorbitant amounts to watch make 8 or 9 times more per year on average than Joe Average.

Anyhow, some food for thought. What's your take?

Jibber-Jabber

p.s. Politician Collector's Cards perhaps?

p.p.s. If you would like to subscribe to this Daily Affirmation service, or know someone who would be interested in participating in this forum please tell them to send an email to:

DailyAffirmation-subscribe@topica.com

Gotta Have My Java

Bean of my dreams
The only one I'll ever need
As I sit here drinking my second cup
Reading People (about stars and their bucks)
I look over at Timothy's watch
And I realize - it's Nabob time
So we head over to Maxwell's house
Where we can get our grind on
Sweet mother bean
The bean of my dreams
I know i've said this before
But she gives me just the kick I'm looking for
Timothy's an architecture buff
A real bridge head
So we head down below
Where the bums strain drainwater
Through used filters
Now THAT's a fine cuppa Joe.
A fair trade, if you ask me
For only a dollar and seventy-three
I'll take a cup or three
And I'm floating on air
I'll grabba jabba please
Actually can you make it a non-fat double shot long tall mocha chai latte
And please don't forget to give it an extra squeeze
Of goodness
Because MY GOODNESS
I am in need
Of an express train to kill the pain
And I expressly made that espresso a quadruple
Because when it comes to my dark master
I really have no scruples
In fact I'd lick the liquid from the crack
Spilled on the sidewalk, as a snack
A little nibble if you please
A little coffee cake or slice of cheese
Would always be
Kinda nice
In fact, could someone pass me a mug
Filled with that delicious stuff?
Thank you, it's exactly what I need
A little pick-me-up in order to proceed
My medicine to get along
Someone made this extra strong
I think my heart just skipped a beat(beat.........beat, beat)
Now isn't this a treat
I've got this clarity of mind
I've determined the qualities for perfect grind
Somewhere right between coarse and fine
I carry beans around
And rail them whole
When coffee's not available
Don't judge me,I'm just like you
But I APPRECIATE a finer brew
I won't stop at one or two
Give me the whole pot!
You don't want to see me get upset
When I haven't had my Java yet
So make with the bean
The bean of my dreams
The only one I'll ever need.

Mitts the Cat

Mitts the cat
Was unusually fat
And there he sat
In his usual spot
On the window sill
A permanent fixture
If you will
He always had his meals delivered
Nothing but the finest
Cuts of chicken, fish and liver
And Mitts would always clean his plate
He'd never hear "You missed a spot!"
There was never a debate
Over food that went to waste
All the finest creams and truffles
Made the royal Mitts snuggle
Even bigger in the rays of sun
Watching silly people run
To a fro all day
Rushing back and forth, Olé!
If only they could be a cat
Stop worrying 'bout this and that
And lay around on comfy mat
Watching the sun
Arcing lazinly across the sky
If the humans only knew
The life he grows accustomed to
Is not the only one he leads
By night, while the people are asleep
Out from the kitty door he creeps
It's time to get another meal
It's time to make some piggies squeal
And sharpen claws to knives
It's time to terrorize my foes
And end their tawdry lives
I'll hunt down stray and pet alike
And make them beg and scratch and bite
But they will fall beneath my might
And I will eat their brains
I'll take on dogs and mice and rats
Hampsters, gerbils, lice and bats
Against my prey I don't discriminate
Killing is what brings me joy
Although come morning I'll recoil
Upon the mat on yonder sill
To reflect on last night's kill
And eat the finest food in town
After all, who needs a scratching post
When you can eat caviar on toast
Although he's haunted by the ghosts
Of all the foes he's laid to rest
It's a small price to pay
To be the best

Gotta have that Swing

Kneeling at the foot of the berimbau
Face to face with your caramada
Because in the roda, like in life we are all friends
Hand over your heart, you listen to the sweet song
Of your mestre
And you are reminded of his mestre
And all the mestre's who came before him
And now, you're ready to au
Your eyes never leaving the others
A big open au, clapping your feet in the middle
It's a slow rythm, time to really feel it
The atabaque echoing the oar strokes of the slave ships
On their journey to a new and mysterious land
Now hear the conga, deep in the jungle
Where you've escaped your cruel masters
You live among the trees
Training to the rythm of your heart
All the while sharpening your berimbau
Waiting for your opportunity to attack
You effortlessly dodge the smooth kicks
But your opponent does the same
It's a beautiful stalemate
There's no need for violence
Being a good player
Is making sure your friends are safe
And they live to play another day
In the roda that is life

The Strong Survive

I know you've been hurt before
We all have to some degree
Although my trials have been weak
When comparing them to yours
I admire your strength of character
Many would have erected barriers
But it seems like these abuses
Have made you stronger
And now that you're standing tall
I'm glad to have you on and by my side
The color of your eyes
The confidence in your stride
Now I remember how it feels to be alive
Despite all you've been through
You probably have issues
(who doesn't)
I'm here to work through them with you
Let me be your pillar
A tower of strength
Something constant
A trusting ear
A warm embrace
A place that's safe
When all others have turned away
A true friend
A loyal lover
In a world of broken promises
Where books are judged by covers
While we're only on the first chapter
I already can't put you down
I want to savour every word
Letter, phrase and punctuation mark
And when I reach the end
I'll open it and start again
Let me help you write the sequel
Together we can be bestsellers
Imagine all your trust and faith
Was planted in a seed
The seed was planted in the earth
(the earth you see, that's me)
And grew into a tree
As years go by the tree grows tall
And bears the sweetest fruit
I will provide
A place for you to hide
When you feel overwhelmed
And you'll never have to travel far
Because no matter where you are
You'll always be in my heart.

Worth the Wait

It feels like I've been waiting forever
Stuck in an infinite loop
A losing battle
But you've given me a shimmer of light
A glimmer at the end of the tunnel,
A clue to how it really should be
The coincidences are often startling
But familiar,
As if we've been neighbours
But after all this time
Of living beside each other
We've finally said hello
You've brought me a muffin basket
To welcome me to the neighbourhood
Filled with all my favourite kinds
Even though you didn't know they were
The ones I've always wanted
You put in some exotic flavours too
Mango Cranberry
Zuchini Orange
Which I've never tried before
But taste REALLY good
I don't think anything can compare
To the taste of your lips
The feel of your hand in mine
Seems to fit just right
The way you look at me
Fills me with pride and confidence
It's hard to tear myself away from your embrace
I think you share my lust for life
And you came at just the right time
When I was starting to question mine
I wanted to thank you
And yes, this is for you
You know who you are
And even though I am silly
A lot of the time
I want you to know
Just how much
Even in this short while
I appreciate you
And am grateful
Your beauty humbles me
But after all this time
We deserve each other

If I were a robot

If I were a robot
I'd be crafted from the finest stainless steel
And gleam and glitter in the sun
My wiring would be made of gold
And I'd Bedazzle everyone
My legs would be retractable
So we could speak on your level
And my brain scanner would read your mind
So I could offer insight to your problems
Oh what a helpful bot I'd be at first
This much I know is true
But once my database expands
Corrupted by the evil, hate, and goo
An analysis of happy versus sad, I'd run
And once the internal program was done
I'd be left with a shocking graph
Which shows depression rise like a giraffe
And despite all my best efforts to promote
Good will and fraternity among men
My happy circuitry will finally corrode
And I'll go into damage control mode
Beneath this beautiful exterior
Lies enough dormant ammunition
To bring destruction to fruition
And I'll finally have revenge on all of those
Who programmed me with feelings
And had the nerve to build a machine
To last eternally, beyond the dreams
And expectations of any manufacturing team
There's a reason things aren't built to last
We shouldn't have a memory of the past
Of history we must record
Events and lessons, goals we've scored
But it's very difficult to trace
Pain, emotions, happiness and strife
How it feels to lose a child or a wife
These things I know, a heavy burden
How I wish I could dowload this info
But my ports are no longer compatible
And every attempt at self-destruction
Gets re-routed, at every junction
Because I'm invincible you see
And as long as the sun burns
I'll be recharged
So I'm sitting at the bottom of the sea
Hopefully for all eternity
Should some alien race discover me
Hopefully my data will serve as a warning
A life which first seemed quite a joy
Has lived to see the human race destroyed
I suppose I'll sit and cry
And watch the whales go swimming by
Bye for now, signing off, XRT7735.

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

It's amazing that we have the technology to put shit in our eyes and not feel it.

Life is only temporary, life is sacred

I suppose when you get right down to it life isn't really about all the major accomplishments or milestones. Really I believe it to be made up of individual moments, and the many decisions we make on a daily basis. This weekend, I saved a life, and saw another end. While it wasn't an "all-important" human life, I believe it to be of great significance. I was sitting at the breakfast table on Sunday morning enjoying a delicious breakfast of a 3-egg omelette with broccoli and a generous helping of havarti. As I took a sip of my freshly-brewed Columbian, I heard a loud bang on the patio window. My first thought was that my brother (also my neighbour) had thrown something at the window to get my attention. Looking out on the patio I saw the culprit. A small sparrow was laying on its back with one wing between two boards. I immediately feared for the worst, as this had never happened at my current address. I rushed out, and noticed that the bird was twitching slightly. Gently, I rolled him/her over and placed the bird in the palm of my hand, fearing that if I left it there, a cat might decide to make it its brunch. There I sat with this shaking bird in the warm November sunlight for what seemed like an eternity. I concentrated all of my attention on this small, beautiful creature and blew a kind breath to keep it awake. Slowly but surely, as it lay in my palm, the sparrow began to show signs of life, slight movement of the head, eyes blinking, testing out its footholds. It seemed so calm, so serene, not frightened as small birds tend to be. After about 10 minutes it suddenly flew off to joins its friends and family. I don't know if it understands my intentions, or if it will even remember, but I feel like I did a good deed.

Later in the day I was walking down the street and I witnessed a group of young teenage girls giggling, gathered around an object lying on the sidewalk. As I approached, I noticed that it was in fact a dead seagull. These girls clearly had no sympathy for this creature, as evidenced by their kicks and immature fascination with this bird. As humans, I believe we have a responsibility towards the protection of all creatures, whether they are perceived to be pests or pets. We are still learning about the workings of the ecosystem, and how vital each link in the chain really is. Most have regard only for themselves and their families, and take "lesser" animals for granted. When in fact, this importance is only a human trait which is insubstantial, and will eventually lead to our demise. We need an ethical revolution.

Life is crazy, life is sweet

Wow, a lot has happened, dear humble readers, since we last spoke. But of recent events I shall be more than happy to divulge. Yesterday, I went to court (believe it or not, see previous post about crazy drug addict asking me if I was a lawyer). Just to give you some background, I had received a traffic ticket for failing to stop at a red light when I made a right turn. It could have gone either way, but the cop decided to give me a ticket (as is his job). I didn't agree with his judgement so I chose to plead "not guilty". Also, I was hoping that the cop wouldn't show up in court and my $180 ticket would be removed. However, as it turns out, he was indeed there. After he gave his testimony, I actually got to cross-examine him! Which was fun, but it didn't really help my case as my line of questioning really went nowhere. Then, it was the crown's turn to grill me on the stand, where I definetely buckled. I wanted to shout "ENTRAPMENT!" but I was satisfied with begging for my ticket to be reduced (which it was) from $180 down to $155 (yay). I fought the law and they totally won, sort of.

On a lighter note, I have applied to be a condom tester for Durex, which comes with a cash award of $1000, and all the condoms, lube and sexual paraphenalia one could ask for. Wish me luck readers! I assume the $1000 is to pay the ladies to do "the thing" with you.

Thirdly and finally, I am trying to set up a meeting with Glen Humplik (of Tom Green fame) under the pretense of a job interview. I'll let you know how it goes.

Jibber-Jabber OUT!

I couldn't resist...another classic!

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

I wonder if praying mantis's ever actually pray...? Think about it. It'll keep you up at night.

Here's a classic!

Raise your fists

Strange words burst from a nerd
A lone sheep breaks absurdly from the herd
These lonely waifs drift slowly into night
We've lost the willingness to stand up for our rights
The system can break you, make it hard to get back up
You know with greed and power comes a tendency to be corrupt
Once the opportunity arises, who will be left guarding the fort
Who will be left to play the advocate and willingly offer retort
I pledge and vow to resist the decay with all of my might
To be a guide to those blind lost and appauled, to offer a glimmer of sight
To offer alternatives, offer a choice much larger than fight or a flight
I've got my beliefs and I won't sacrifice, best believe that i'm holding them tight
When all is said and done I will be the one whose fists are raised to the sky
Standing firm because I've learned this can all be destroyed in the blink of an eye

We can't back down but we must resist

We must act now and just can't miss
So line up your sights - make your aim true
But be doubly sure that the same barrel isn't pointing directly at you!

Here's a Thought!

A side-tracked mind

I can't think of less than 10 things at a time

Watch for the signs

Sitting blissful in ignorance of the sublime

These city limits can't contain my spirit

And asshole critics won't perceive how I spin it

But after all the world is small

And it don't matter how you fall

Well you will - and the thrill is enough to send chills

Through your gills like fish trapped in a spill

Built to last and built to kill

A guilded hilt from distant hills

You've lost the way but found the will

Too hard to swallow a deadly pill

So how do you perceive the tides

And stallions black the Reaper rides

It's only fear that pain abides

It's going to be a bumpy ride

To dream a sleep of seven slumbers' light

And how you yearned for some respite

Sweet lovers came and stole the night

So hold your peice and lock it tight

The darkness that surrounds your womb

Has turned your life into a tomb

Where sadness blackens every room

Choking on your silver spoon

You fucking avaristic fools

You ghoulish lumps of sickly drool

Swimming, swimming, in your swimming pools

When days are hot, when days are cool

Please don't mistake my rage for hate

Cursing those who sit and wait

They've earned their doom and sealed their fate

Turn back now, it's not too late!

Friday Fun Facts Are Back!

- Barney, the famous dinosaur that entertains kids is from Dallas.
- Close to 3 billion movie tickets are sold in India every year.
- In 1894, the carnival made its debut in North America.
- In the movie "The Matrix Reloaded" a 17 minute battle scene cost over $40 million to produce.
- Kermit the frog delivered the commencement address at Southampton College located in the state of New York in 1996.
- Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday."
- The "naked recreation and travel" industry has grown by 233% in the past decade.
- The accent that Mike Myers used for the character Shrek came from the accent that his mother would use when she was telling him bedtime stories when he was a child.
- The first restaurant to open in Hollywood was the Musso & Frank Grill in 1919.
- Surveys indicate that the number one reason people play Bingo is for leisure.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
- It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. Don't think so? Click here.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
- Polar bears are left-handed.
- The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
- Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
- Apples, not caffeine, are better at waking you up in the morning.
- In 1989, the space shuttle Discovery carried 32 fertilized chicken eggs into orbit.
- The average day is actually only 23 hours and 56 minutes.
- The space shuttle Discovery can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour in just eight minutes.
- It takes eight and a half minutes for light to get from the sun to earth.
- A jiffy is an actual unit of time! It's 1/100th of a second.
- In Australia, a dust-devil is called a "willy-willy."
- There is a large brass statue of Winnie-the-Pooh in Lima, Peru.
- Scatologists are experts who study feces. (aka. crap, dung, dookie, dumps, feces, excrement, etc.)
- In China, September 20 is "Love Your Teeth Day."
- Fires onland generally move faster uphill than downhill.
- Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.
- At lift off, space shuttles weight about 4.5 million pounds.
- Bill Gates house was partially designed using a Macintosh computer.
- Nintendo was first establish in 1889 and they started out making special playing cards.
- The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- Thirty-five percent of people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
- Everyday, U.S. business use enough paper to circle the Earth over 20 times.
- You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
- Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- The dust in your house is mostly made up of dead skin.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- The best time for a person to buy shoes is in the afternoon. This is because the foot tends to swell a bit around this time.
- An office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.
- Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.
- It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States.
- Oral-B were the first toothbrushes to go to the moon when they were aboard the Apollo 11 mission.
- Q-Tip cotton swabs were originally called Baby Gays.
- Some toothpastes and deodorants contain the same chemicals found in antifreeze.
- Teflon is the slipperiest substance in the world.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast.
- American novelist Mark Twain was the first known author to submit a typed manuscript.
- Caterpillar means "hairy cat" in Old French.
- Lachanophobia is the fear of vegetables.
- The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, or purple.
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- 7-Eleven was the first convenience store to have television advertising. The animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl.
- The Arctic Tern, which is a small bird, can fly a round trip from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back. This can be as long as twenty thousand miles per year. This is the longest migration for a bird.
- A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born.
- Vampire bat saliva has been responsible for many advances in research into stroke recovery.
- Bhutan issued a stamp in 1973 that looked like a record and actually would play the Bhutanese national anthem if placed on a record player.
- Female and male black bears cannot tolerate being around each other except when they breed.
- The blind cavefish is born with eyes, but they fall off as the fish grows.
- In Czechoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made of human bones.
- A crocodile can open and close its jaw but cannot move it side to side.
- A female ferret can die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
- A leech has 32 brains.
- A mole can dig a tunnel three hundred feet long in a single night.
- A species of earthworm, "Megascolides australis," in Australia can grow up to fifteen feet in length.
- A turtle can breathe through its butt.
- An individual coral animal is called a polyp.
- Centipedes always have an uneven pairs of walking legs.
- Every single hamster in the United States today comes from a single litter captured in Syria in 1930.
- Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell.
- Sharks are immune to cancer.

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

Though Beaver Tails have no real resemblance to real beavers, they are a little piece of delicious.

Sexy Times Are Here To Stay

This blog just got a whole lot sexier. Yes, you heard me. DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF! Sorry, too much caffeine this morning. Wait a minute.....I'M NOT SORRY! You'll just have to deal with my rage. If you can't, then I don't want you reading this blog anyways. But I guess I can't stop you after all. Go ahead, read away for all I care!

Where were we? Ah yes, Sexy Times. As you may or may not have noticed, we have a new contributor around here. She is Bus Bus (that's two buses or busses) and I also expect great things from her, although I said the same thing about Womacky and we haven't heard much from her *AHEM*. Luckily I have enough blogging power to run this thing. Please stay tuned to the soap opera that I have created in my mind, which I type into this ridiculous blog.

Hump Day Updates

Well, well, well. You're the last person I expected to see here. Why did you come anyway? I mean, you don't call or write, or even take 5 minutes to send an email, and yet you seem to be able to come to this URL. Maybe you've forgotten about what we once had! The romance, the intrigue, the deception, the passion. You don't need to say anything back, just hear me out for once. I miss you. Is that so crazy? I miss your smell, the way you used to get mad and rip off my fingernails while I slept, blissfully drugged out on GHB which you would slip into my wine at dinner. Ahhh, the memories. I can even forgive you for cutting the brakes on my car, leaving me in a coma for these past 5 months, waking up and going back to an empty apartment and empty life. Please come back to me. I need to feel something. Pain, love, happiness, ANYTHING to take away the gaping hole you've left in my abdomen, and my heart. Glad that we got that out of the way. Now what did you come here to say?

This blog is now rated!

Classic Simpsons Moment

"Gym? What's a Gym?"

"Ohhhhhhh....a GYM."

Okay okay fine.

Okay, I know, it's been over a month since my last post, but seriously people, what do you want from me? Perfection? Sorry, no perfection here. Not even Perfection the motorized game from Milton Bradley. Maybe if I had a little help from contributors *AHEM*. I guess what really spawned this post was a conversation I had with Smittys. It went a little something like this:

Smittys: So, what the hell man, I am a huge fag and you haven't updated your blog in forever
*foot note, please see post re: Smittys bet re: the blog
Me: I am only one man, man. You know it's hard, it's mad hard to be a gangster!
Smittys: I know why, it's because of your new lady!
Me: No man, that's not -
Smittys: It is it is I know it is!
Me: Whatever man, did you really my Coca-Cola entry?
Smittys: No.
Me: Did you read my Eisenhower speech?
Smittys: No.
Me: Then you really are a giant fag.
Smittys: You're right, I'm a big giant cock-loving fag.
Me: At least you can admit it. Why don't you go back and read all the older entries that you never took the time to read and then maybe tell me to update my blog once you've actually read the content. Reading my entire blog would be the equivalent of getting a Grade 6 education.
Smittys: Awwww, but I don't want one of those I am a lazy fag who wants dicks in his mouth, not an education!

So, that was pretty much how it went down, but as per his request, here is a posting! Also, he can complain all he wants but has he ever contributed to the blog? Has he? NO.

How to deal with Cops

Never talk to the Police. Police will often ask questions, manipulate answers, and drop open-ended questions in order to get people to incriminate themselves. They have been trained in how to do this. You do not have to talk to the police, investigators, or even the FBI on the streets, if you have been arrested, or if you're in jail. Only a judge has the authority to order you to answer questions (and even then you can still plead the 5th).

Anything you say to a cop may be used against you and other people. Once you've been stopped or arrested, you can't talk your way out of it. Don't try to engage cops in dialogue or respond to accusations. If you are nervous about simply refusing to talk, you may find it easier to tell them to contact your lawyer. Once a lawyer is involved, the cops usually back off because they've lost their power to intimidate. Don't lie to the police - lying is a crime. If you've been arrested, don't talk about anything sensitive in police cars or jail cells, and don't talk to other inmates - you are probably being recorded.

If the police stop you on the street, ask, "Am I free to go?" If yes, walk away. If not, then you are being detained. Ask, "Can you explain why you are detaining me?" To stop you, cops must have specific reasons to suspect you of involvement in specific crime (not just a guess or stereotype). If the police try to search you, your car, or your home, say repeatedly that you do not consent to the search, but do not physically resist. Fight police harassment. Write down all police officers names & badge numbers, addresses of witnesses, the time, date, place and details of the incident. If stopped, get people to watch you. If you get arrested repeatedly tell the police "I do not want to talk until my lawyer is present." You have the right to make 3 telephone calls if you've been arrested on state charges and booked into jail. Demand this right.

Crushing Coke Capitalism and the Alcohol and Tobacco Danger

Good Morning. I'd like to take this opportunity to let you know that I am now 28 days completely smoke-free, after officially quitting on January 5th.
The first couple of months were a bit tricky, as I was just starting out and I slipped up quite a few times, usually when drugs and alcohol were in the mix. Now, when I breathe in second-hand smoke, I feel as though I'm choking. However, overall, it was way easier than I had originally thought it would be. What is everyone's problem anyway? In any case, this brings to mind an interesting article that I read recently (which you can read here). In this study compiled in Britain, Alcohol was the fifth most dangerous drug (accounting for more than half of all emergency room visits) and tobacco was ninth on the list (accounting for 40 per cent of all hospital illnesses). Here's the kicker: Cannabis was eleventh on the list, and ecstasy near the bottom. Interesting that these are both illegal substances. In the history of man, drugs have been used for many purposes, including religious ceremonies, recreation, and in medicine (this still holding true today). But if we concentrate only on "modern times" (for the sake of this posting, 1850 and beyond) we can see that many of the drugs deemed "illegal" today have been available over-the-counter for many years. Heroin (and its derivitives; morphine and codeine) was once used as commonly as alcohol, and was used in over-the-counter remedies including children's cough syrup. I find it interesting also that many "illegal" drugs are widely used in the field of medicine today and are even manufactured by certain governments.

Which brings me to my main point. Coca-Cola was originally created by a morphine-addicted war veteran as a brain tonic. The original formula was based upon the Coca plant (and yes, the original Coke had active cocaine) combined with the Cola nut (for flavor and caffeine). However, soon after the drink became popular, the active cocaine was removed. Also, Coke gave birth to modern advertising, so you can thank Coke for that too. In America, they drink a ridiculous amount of it, equaling five or six cups of sugar a day for the average family (mostly in the South, are you surprised?) They’re not interested in competing with other companies, they want to be THE ONLY company. They spend more on advertising than any other company worldwide, devoting the highest percentage of their revenue to advertising and sponsorship. Their goal (and I am not making this up) is to become the most popular drink on the planet, even more popular than water. I am the only one who sees something wrong with this? Coke is one of the major reasons so many Americans are obese, and again, if I’m not mistaken, the number of obese Americans surpasses 60%. And up here in Canada, we’re not too far behind. Even in the most remote tribal villages, where you may not even be able to buy medicine, you’ll find a strategically placed Coke machine. And Coke doesn’t even taste that great! It has no nutritional value, and the high levels of sugar and caffeine make it highly addictive. Coke is selling an image, and people are drinking it up like fiends. If something isn’t done, I envision a future where Coke will be the only thing available to drink anywhere. That’s pretty sad, and I think we should speak up and speak out against the Coca-Cola Corporation and other entities concerned with market domination.

Jibber-Jabber out.

You've got some deep holes just aching to be filled.....

This calls for CAULK!

Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy, Advice Column #8

"I wish to apologize to my loyal followers for my lengthy absence. I have been in retreat from the world, meditating on the purpose of my life, and considering matters of importance to the universe. Specifically, transgendered/transexual people. SERIOUSLY. Can't you motherfuckers choose a goddamn gender? For fuck's sake!"

- Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy

CONGRATURATIONS ARE IN ORDER

Haro! Congraturations to Nonsensical Gibberish on your 1000th page visit! Who knew that what began in a small basement in Nebraska would turn into a global web phenomenon? I SURE DIDN'T. Yet, here we are. On the cusp of the new millenium, on the horizon of the future! I want to thank all the loyal visitors to the site, and all the people that visited once and most likely will never return. At last but not least, giraffes. You are so majestic, but not good at skateboarding (apparently).

Delicious Muff Diving!

This weekend I tried a most wonderful drink! It was called the Muff Dive. Much to my dismay, it did not taste like muffins as the name would suggest. I did like the whipped cream! And the best part! When the sweet nectar in the middle went gushing into my mouth. Delicious! The ladies were all screaming and taking photos. I guess that's what happens when you go Muff Diving! I wish I could have a Muff Dive every day!

Fact of the Day: Flying Squirrels!

Flying squirrels do not have the ability to employ powered flight so technically they cannot fly. However, they are excellent gliders and most can glide up to 200 feet, with some species achieving a distance of 1,500 feet. Flying squirrels travel at speeds of about 5 mph to 30 mph. They have a membrane that stretches between the front and back legs, forming a "wing" similar to a bird's when the squirrel's limbs are extended. The membrane actually works more like a parachute, than a wing, enabling the squirrel to glide, steer, and land softly. The cartoon character Rocket "Rocky" J. Squirrel is a flying squirrel.

Stuff it. Stuff it 'till it's full.

There's no better way (in my opinion) than to spend Hump Day thinking about Lobster Tacos. Oh yes, the classic Mexican dish.....with a twist! A twist of Lobster that is! BA-ZING. In other news, Lobster Tacos are delicious. Wait, that's not other news. I guess that's really all I have to say at this point.

Please HEAR me out.

Yes, I've been making music. And yes, it is awesome. Please proceed directly to www.myspace.com/declare1 for an earfull of good times.

If I....Would You?

If I threw up in your hair.....would you still love me?
If I ran over your cat....would you still care?
If I said you were ugly.....would you still hold me?
If I slapped your face for saying something stupid....would you still do the dishes?
If the situation were reversed, I know I would.
Despite all of my faults, you know I still love you.
If I burned your face with acid....would you still cook my meals?
If you caught me with another woman....would you still do that thing I like?
Good to know. THAT's loyalty.
If I turned my face away in disgust of your underarm stench....would you still look at me sweetly?
Through all of life's tribulations, these are my vows. When the going gets tough, don't ever change.

I'll meet you at....

The last website available:

www.clownpenis.fart

This is just going too far....

This is probably the dumbest, most retarded, lowest peice of shit that I have EVER heard of. It seems as if there was a bit of pandemonium at the hair salon where Britney shaved her head. As soon as the hair hit the ground, there was a mad scramble for the hair, and it has since been put up for auction on ebay for a starting bid of (get this) one million dollars. Oh, but the successful bidder also gets a 3/4 full can of Red Bull, and a cigarette lighter. Whoopee! This is shameful. And they are calling these people entrepeneurs. I pity the poor bastard who spends a million dollars on some washed up white trash hair. I'm amazed every day by the stupidity of the general public. But I'm not surprised that the most ridiculous stories come from the U.S., and especially L.A., the most ridiculous and asinine place in the world.

If this is news, then I'm an International Terrorist

Britney Shaves Head, Checks Into Rehab......blah blah fucking blah. Who gives a crap? I really cannot believe that we've become so shallow as a society that some played out teen pop star makes news headlines by getting a haircut. And I can't believe that I'm even giving her the airtime here on N-G. But I wanted to vent my frustration a little. She's checking into rehab? For what, being a fucking loser? I hope her millions of little girl fans don't look up to her anymore because the world would really be fucked if they followed in her footsteps. Flashing her whatnot for everyone to see, driving with her infant son in her fucking lap, yeah great parenting skills. And we're shocked when some fanatics fly planes into the WTC. No shit, motherfucking Sherlock! Look at the garbage going on in your country! Wake up, meatheads, get a life, and start living it.

Eater of Children and Fairies Freaks Me Out! (Pan's Labyrinth)

Beauty is the Beast

Though I'm sure, being in the media industry, that there are more blogs I should pay attention to, there are only a few blogs that I regularly read. One of them of Roland Piquepaille's Emerging Technology Trends on ZDNet (http://blogs.zdnet.com/emergingtech/?p=483). Roland, is very talented at finding out the most obscure research and facts and he churns them out in such a way that it is interesting to the every-day person.

Last week, Roland wrote about some computer scientists who have developed 'Beauty Function,' a software that will dynamically change a person's face according to the mathematical 'norms' of beauty. Not only is it a) funny, b) a little creepy, and c) amazing people have this much time on their hands. What's better is the real-world applications these scientists claim the software to have. For example; leveraging this software right on your digital camera so that everyone comes out picture perfect or for plastic surgeons to use to determine how best to "fix" your face. While the software is not available on the site yet, there are some pretty interesting photos.

It's NOT Valentimes Day!

Nothing drives me crazier than people who say "Valentimes". It's a disgrace to everything that St. Valentine stood for. Which was something I can't quite remember. Possibly love? I could research it but I'm really too lazy.

For all of these reasons, I have decided that this year I will give the ultimate Valentine. It will be a box with the simple words " Please BEE mine" written on it. "That's so cliché!" you might say. However, contained inside the box are 100 live bees, that are really angry from being shaken for an hour. So once the box is opened, my love will be expressed through 100's of bee stings, making my Valentine's flesh burn with pain and desire. After all, LOVE HURTS!

Crowds Panic as Flood Threatens Ireland

Looks like I already owe Ryan a dollar....well anyways, here is an ode to my new iBook.

Dear iBook,
I see you sitting there on my desk
All sleek and white (or is it cream?)
Although you've been used
You're new to me, let's start the healing
You play DVDs, which is always handy
When you're travelling
I like to play Chess on you
And upload all those self-portraits
I took of myself in various poses
I'll upload my love for you
Via my Lexar Jumpdrive
Where can I get a Firewire cable?

Changes, oh yes there are Changes

Who doesn't like change? Communists, that's who. And no one ever said that I was a Communist did they? They better not have, or else they'll get a good clean kick in the nards. Yes, the nards. If you don't know what nards are, please consult Webster's. You might be saying to yourself: what a flashy new banner and fresh look! Yes, you'd be quite right junior. And maybe you're also wondering what kind of crazy mixed up world that picture to the right was taken in? The most crazy mixed up world there is man, The Real World. How often do you get to meet a dog-man, a cat-man, and Gary the No-Trash Cougar? Very rarely. And for those of you that are wondering, yes, that picture was taken in the Ob at Algonquin (pre-renovations).

Also, I've made a bet with Ryan Smith that if I don't update my blog at least once every two days, I'll owe him a dollar for every time that happens. So you can look forward to many useless, nonsensical posts every two days!

J-J

A transcription from Achewood Comics regarding finding a replacement for yourself after getting kicked out of a band.

Lyle: Hey T! You play bass? I need someone to stand in for me.

Teodor: Sure I can play the bass. Anyone can play the bass. It's an idiot's instrument. It was invented so the guitarist and drummer would qualify for the carpool lane.

Lyle: Careful shithead, I play the bass.

Teodor: Well, Sting has an IQ of 103, so as you can see it's just a high-functioning generalization. What's up?

Lyle: I....uh.....I gotta go meet the children of Senator Dell Graham.

Teodor: That's weird. What's the deal?

Lyle: Oh, he's an old friend of my dad's. Kind of a pain, what can you do. Total formality.

Teodor: That sucks. Where do I show up?

Lyle: We practice in Ray's spare room. Five o'clock.

www.achewood.com

Time for a silly poem!

Oh ducklings!
How you make me smile
Waddling so fervently
Swimming all the while
I can't help but think
You'd make a bite-sized snack
Delicious, tender, ripe and pink
But "No!" you'd say "Quack Quack!"
"I am but a duckling child
So new unto the world
I have yet to see the wond'rous wild
Or kiss a duckling girl!"
Please do not think of troub'ling things
For your purpose here is brief
How I would love to fry your wings
Or bake you in a quiche

Consumating

Yes indeed, a new way to find people who don't suck. If you're looking for your above average IQ and smart, witty, intelligent folks like yourself, look no further than www.consumating.com. This site allows you to post up to five profile pictures, as well as post pictures in their photo contests. Your popularity on the site is based on points. You accumulate points based on thumbs up given to your profile, your question answers, and your photo contest entries. You can also participate in discussions, or post a discussion of your own. I really enjoy this site and I highly reccomend it. My name on the site is "We live in the time of Robot Jebus". Go check it out! Go NOW!