4/18/11

Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy, Advice Column #9

"Good day to you dudes! I received this letter lately:
Dear Mr. Dong, I read your column long time. Much of liking. My troubles are many, and I think wife is making happy good time with other man. She act funny, leave house at strange hours, and get mad like Kochira when asked WHY WHY YOU DO? How know if happy happy fun time is behind back happening?
Suspicious in Chinatown
Dear SIC, many problems confront us in life, this is a fact that you cannot kung-fu kick yourself out of. The real challenge is, the way we confront the sonofabitches! So you think your wife is cheating? My advice is, take the path of the ninja. Next time she leaves, follow her. If you have evidence of this cheating, kill both of those bastard motherfuckers, leaving no trace that you were there."
- Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy

4/14/11

Steve talks with God

Steve: Oh my god, you’re God! Sorry, it’s just….you know…man! This is crazy.....what are you doing here in the bathroom?

God: Well, I may be omnipotent, but I still gotta take a leak like a regular Job, go figure.

Steve: Wow. This is…..huge! What brings you to the 12th floor bathroom anyway?

God: I just started a new job in sales on the 5th floor. I figure, desk job, you know, gotta get some exercise at some point. That’s what, 7 flights of stairs? Ha, going up’s the hard part you know.

Steve: Oh….wow….so….you’re GOD and everything. Why are you working here? Don’t you have prayers to answer, miracles to perform etcetera?

God: You’d think so. To be honest, being God’s not much work. After I created the world and man in my image and all of the animals and blah blah blah, things just sort of started running themselves. Everytime I tried to intercede things just got kind of messed up. My worst and last mistake was sleeping with that chick…what was her name…oh yeah Mary. Man, that was awesome at the time. I was all ‘you’re dreaming…now take off those pants!’ Everything kinda went downhill from there.

Steve: Jesus.

God: Exactly.

Steve: So, you must get this a lot….but….what does it all mean?

God: Come again?

Steve: You know, why we’re here, what’s the meaning of life?

God: Oh! Ah ha! That’s a classic. I usually say something like ‘to love and cause happiness’ or some similar bullshit. I’ll level with you though, ‘cause you seem down to earth. The reason you’re here is basically out of my boredom, and there really is no meaning I guess. The most depressing part is that there’s not even a heaven. You die, that’s it. BAM. Nothingness. So I say, live it up dude!

Steve: Oh…man, that’s heavy.

God: Tell me about it man, tell me about it. So hey Steve!

Steve: Yes God?

God: Want to go grab some beers after work Friday?

Steve: That’d be awesome…but…I uh…have a date.

God: Dude, don’t do this to me, I’m GOD remember, I know you ain’t got no date. Don’t make me send a plague of locusts to your place dude!

Steve: (stunned silence)

God: Just kidding man! Wow, you should have seen the look on your face!

4/12/11

The Sandwich

“Gaze deeply into the sandwich,” said Professor Mysterio, “and tell me what you see.”

I thought long and hard about what I was seeing. Did he want me to literally describe the contents of the sandwich or perhaps, tell him how the sandwich made me feel?

“It’s a simple question!” prompted the Professor. "What's your problem?"

I panicked. “Pickles! Mayo! Rye!” ...

“You idiot, I meant it metaphorically. For this is a mystical footlong meatball sandwich, and contains none of the ingredients you've just blurted out. I'm sorry to say this, but you've flunked out of the Subway Academy.”

4/7/11

A Very Short Story inspired by Edith Zimmerman

“Happy Birthday Honey!” he said as he took off her blindfold, revealing the trench filled with a dozen dead hookers. “Well it’s a nice thought, but I specifically asked you for a dozen red roses,” she said, dejectedly. “I swear to God, you said a dozen dead hookers! All that work, for nothing!” he exclaimed. “Don’t take God’s name in vain in front of the dead hookers, baby.” she pointed out. “Besides,” she continued, “I’m sure we can find some use for them, wink wink nudge nudge.”