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Smooth as in Smoothie: My Craigslist Missed Connection

2011-05-05T06:30:00.001-07:00

I was standing behind you in line at the Orange Julius/Dairy Queen on Saturday. I couldn’t help staring at the butterfly tattoo on your right shoulder! “How original,” I thought. You must be either be a woman who appreciates originality, or a really convincing cross-dresser who appreciates originality.

Either way, I kept thinking of ways in my head to engage you in conversation. I thought of perhaps pretending to trip and bump into you, but that’s a classic, and too obvious. I also thought it would be a good idea to place some coins on the floor, and then tap you on the shoulder and say “I think you dropped something!” but what if you weren’t one of those people that carries change around?

In any case, I finally decided on a really great line: I’d lean over to you and say coyly: “Why do they call them smoothies? Is it because they’re smooth? I guess they should call the Blizzard’s chunkies then, because they’re definitely not smooth!” You would have laughed, and then we would have chatted and exchanged numbers while enjoying our delicious *smoothies*.

Alas, it was not to be as by the time I had thought of the world’s best pick-up line, you’d already gotten your smoothie and were headed up the escalator. I’m hoping we can pick up where we left off that day! Tell me what color my t-shirt with wolves on it was so I know it’s you.

Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy, Advice Column #9

2011-04-18T10:11:00.001-07:00

"Good day to you dudes! I received this letter lately:
Dear Mr. Dong, I read your column long time. Much of liking. My troubles are many, and I think wife is making happy good time with other man. She act funny, leave house at strange hours, and get mad like Kochira when asked WHY WHY YOU DO? How know if happy happy fun time is behind back happening?
Suspicious in Chinatown
Dear SIC, many problems confront us in life, this is a fact that you cannot kung-fu kick yourself out of. The real challenge is, the way we confront the sonofabitches! So you think your wife is cheating? My advice is, take the path of the ninja. Next time she leaves, follow her. If you have evidence of this cheating, kill both of those bastard motherfuckers, leaving no trace that you were there."
- Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy

Steve talks with God

2011-04-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

Steve: Oh my god, you’re God! Sorry, it’s just….you know…man! This is crazy.....what are you doing here in the bathroom?

God: Well, I may be omnipotent, but I still gotta take a leak like a regular Job, go figure.

Steve: Wow. This is…..huge! What brings you to the 12th floor bathroom anyway?

God: I just started a new job in sales on the 5th floor. I figure, desk job, you know, gotta get some exercise at some point. That’s what, 7 flights of stairs? Ha, going up’s the hard part you know.

Steve: Oh….wow….so….you’re GOD and everything. Why are you working here? Don’t you have prayers to answer, miracles to perform etcetera?

God: You’d think so. To be honest, being God’s not much work. After I created the world and man in my image and all of the animals and blah blah blah, things just sort of started running themselves. Everytime I tried to intercede things just got kind of messed up. My worst and last mistake was sleeping with that chick…what was her name…oh yeah Mary. Man, that was awesome at the time. I was all ‘you’re dreaming…now take off those pants!’ Everything kinda went downhill from there.

Steve: Jesus.

God: Exactly.

Steve: So, you must get this a lot….but….what does it all mean?

God: Come again?

Steve: You know, why we’re here, what’s the meaning of life?

God: Oh! Ah ha! That’s a classic. I usually say something like ‘to love and cause happiness’ or some similar bullshit. I’ll level with you though, ‘cause you seem down to earth. The reason you’re here is basically out of my boredom, and there really is no meaning I guess. The most depressing part is that there’s not even a heaven. You die, that’s it. BAM. Nothingness. So I say, live it up dude!

Steve: Oh…man, that’s heavy.

God: Tell me about it man, tell me about it. So hey Steve!

Steve: Yes God?

God: Want to go grab some beers after work Friday?

Steve: That’d be awesome…but…I uh…have a date.

God: Dude, don’t do this to me, I’m GOD remember, I know you ain’t got no date. Don’t make me send a plague of locusts to your place dude!

Steve: (stunned silence)

God: Just kidding man! Wow, you should have seen the look on your face!

The Sandwich

2011-04-12T11:46:00.000-07:00

“Gaze deeply into the sandwich,” said Professor Mysterio, “and tell me what you see.”

I thought long and hard about what I was seeing. Did he want me to literally describe the contents of the sandwich or perhaps, tell him how the sandwich made me feel?

“It’s a simple question!” prompted the Professor. "What's your problem?"

I panicked. “Pickles! Mayo! Rye!” ...

“You idiot, I meant it metaphorically. For this is a mystical footlong meatball sandwich, and contains none of the ingredients you've just blurted out. I'm sorry to say this, but you've flunked out of the Subway Academy.”

A Very Short Story inspired by Edith Zimmerman

2011-04-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

“Happy Birthday Honey!” he said as he took off her blindfold, revealing the trench filled with a dozen dead hookers. “Well it’s a nice thought, but I specifically asked you for a dozen red roses,” she said, dejectedly. “I swear to God, you said a dozen dead hookers! All that work, for nothing!” he exclaimed. “Don’t take God’s name in vain in front of the dead hookers, baby.” she pointed out. “Besides,” she continued, “I’m sure we can find some use for them, wink wink nudge nudge.”

Technology as a Natural Evolution

2011-02-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Author: Daniel Monoogian

There are those (often from previous generations, and many from our current one) who shun humanity’s (okay, the West’s) seemingly unstoppable integration with technology. This thought conjures up mental images of the Borg hive mentality. Perhaps we are not very far off from this reality (although, you aren’t forced to assimilate)! How often have you seen people walking down the street talking animatedly to themselves, where at first we’re perplexed, then notice the small device attached to their ear? Or, how about people who get into car accidents while they are distracted by phone conversations or even texting (the thought makes one shudder)! The important question is: how did we get to this point?

This integration began with the use of prosthetic limbs which are, in fact, technological advancements. The historian Herodotus tells the story of a Hegistratus, a Persian soldier, who cut off his own foot to escape his captors and replaced it with a wooden one. In fact, several early Egyptian mummies were found to have prosthetic appendages. This integration is now at a point where the limb can be connected to tendons in the arm, and hooks can be operated in this fashion. Essentially, people who are missing both arms can still drive, cook and even tie their shoe laces. These are simple machines. Some of the more complex technology-assisted implements would include hearing aids (which can now be hidden in the ear drum) and pace-makers, which use electrical impulses to regulate heartbeats. These devices can be said to improve the quality of life for some, and even extend the lifespan of others. This is only the beginning.

While most would agree that the evolution of technological advances to improve our quality of life are revolutionary and necessary, there are many valid viewpoints which state that the constant need to be connected with technology and communication through email and text message over face-to-face, phone and more personal interactions is actually destroying the social skills and attention span of the technologically-addicted citizen. One could argue that while these communication methods are impersonal, they are still essentially interactions between two or more people.

One may argue that technology is simply an effort to copy the natural processes which we see around us in “nature”. Take computers for example. Looked at in their basic components, they essentially replicate the human brain and nervous system. The “memory” and processing components essentially work the same way as the human brain, responding to external stimuli to retrieve, sort and store information. The computer also requires energy to operate, inasmuch as does the human body. This being said, no computer has yet to be developed which even comes close to the processing power and complexity of the human brain. In fact, one could posit that the development and advancement of technology is one way to begin to unlock some of the brain’s hidden potential.

Walking by a construction site the other day, I was humbled by a giant machine which was pushing around giant boulders as a cat would bat a ball of yarn. It would have taken the strength of 30 or 40 men to move that boulder! If one looks at that machine as an organic being (which it essentially is; made with materials from the earth and given immense power by the energy released in burning fossil fuels) it becomes quite a humbling feat of human innovation. Imagine a man from early civilization whose world was ruled by gods living in the heavens – he would look upon this machine and those who operated it as gods themselves. Is this not what modern man has become? We are able to construct monstrously large structures, travel into space (beyond the realm of the gods of the earth), and even send ambassadors (probes), to other planets in our solar system and beyond. On our more moody days as gods, we have developed devices which have killed many people (atomic/nuclear weapons). We’ve even mastered the molecule.

Those who raise their voice vehemently against this technological takeover of our lives probably take for granted that most of the components of their homes were manufactured with machines, the appliances that keep their food from spoiling and wash their clothes have all been results of technological innovation. As users of technology, how are we to speak out against some branches but not others? It’s historically naïve to ignore that technological advances have a snowball effect and that breakthroughs which at the time seemed counter-productive, have led to something much greater. If we trace this back to man’s earliest development of tools, we see a pattern of exponential decreases in the amount of time between discoveries and innovations, as it seems now (the year 2011) that they are occurring every day, and some may say, every minute.

What is the future of this integration? Some have envisioned a future where technology grows out of control and is able to self-replicate with its own autonomous governance (see: The Matrix and even The Terminator series). I envision a future where technology is integrated with nature, where we will be able to harness the limitless energy all around us in a fashion which doesn’t create waste and is self-sustaining. As technology evolves, so does the human machine, however the question remains: do we need to be in constant communication for this advancement to take place?

Breathless

2010-12-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

She said I looked like an author on the back of a romance novel she’d read in grade six
As we watched the planes colliding in a beautiful ballet up above
My mother would have said: That one looks like Baryshnikov
If she hadn’t been strangled by a velvet rope, tied to four Australian Draught Horses
Let’s pretend we’re just silhouettes when the French bellboy brings our live octopus
He used to be Jean-Paul Belmondo in À bout de souffle
Don’t leave a tip, I never liked that film; even after I watched it underwater
Her heart was an old dog, me standing in the rain with my bouquet of new tricks
My horoscope said your lips tasted like cinnamon, cardamom and
The feeling of being crushed beneath the Indian Kutralam Falls
After I received the call that my unborn twins had been arrested by Sultan Kamel
For smoking opium and pretending they were the Queen’s Nightingale cages
We pictured ourselves on a meat boat on the Tigris, picking water lilies
Opening them up to release their aroma demons
Having been artificially implanted by Ted Danson’s personal attendants
I am now entwined in a secret love octagon with the airport security cavity searchman,
A single soft boiled egg pickled in placenta, and an out-of-tune violin
The night was flippant, laissez faire as if the sunset was ancient history
We lindy-hopped wearing only kielbasa sausages
To String Quartet No. 1 in A-Flat composed by John Joubert but arranged
By the killer John Joubert played by invisible crickets
Beauty so enchantingly banal that we were suddenly whipped into a salmon mousse
And fed to a one-legged jazz pianist on his birthday.

Change is Nutricious

2010-12-07T10:18:00.001-08:00

Freelance Writer?

2010-11-23T10:12:00.000-08:00

My response to a Craigslist ad for a freelance writer:

"Darren,

I came across your ad on Craigslist, and it caught my interest. Only 20 500-word articles, up to $1000+ a month? It seems too good to be true. From the name "Byte Advertising," I'm led to assume that the articles should be about technology, however the subject was not mentioned in your ad.

To give you a brief bio, I was born in a small town in Western Quebec to a pair of beatnik hippies who, shortly after my birth, abandoned their counter-cultural ways in favour of the big city lifestyle. However, they did not acheive this in the end. They made it to Ottawa and settled, as we all do, ending up in Ottawa. I suppose the biggest flaw I inherited from them was an overuse of commas, a propensity for snapping both hands in lieu of clapping, refusing to give standing ovations and a sensitivity towards animals.

My areas of specialty (read: possibly imagined) include:
Technology
Capoeira (Brazilian dance-fighting)
The Arts (primarily theatre and music)
Creative writing (bad fiction, mal-formed poetry)
Musings
Running for various political offices
Dog-fighting
The Apocolypse; and
How Humanity is Ruining the World.

I realize that you're horribly impressed by quasi-resume, and rest-assured, I'm up to the challenge. If possible, please format your reply in a series of haikus, to let me know that you're serious.

Best Regards and Many Happy Returns,

Daniel Monoogian"

The first thing I noticed

2010-11-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

The first thing I noticed
When I walked in the door
Was that something had changed:
There wasn’t a pile of dirty dishes in the sink
There weren’t dirty socks and sweaters and scarves
Discarded and thrown about
I thought “This is odd”
But I couldn’t pinpoint the cause
All this in a few moments, a few moments passed
When I couldn’t hear the blare of the television
Or smell the pungent odor of Marlboros
I knew something was awry.
“Perhaps a cool refreshing drink
Will help me to sort this out.”
I said aloud
Upon opening the cupboard I was astonished
Not a cup, mug, stein or glass to be found
No microwave, no toaster, that old eccentric pair
No cutlery, no pots and pans, no plates or gravy boat
My mind began floating, reeling, a touch of vertigo
I ran outside to check the numbers on the door:
1457 Apartment 4
I ran down the block, to check the street sign
Sure enough, Cherry Lane
Had I gone mad? Was I dreaming?
My mind now restless, I became a man possessed
Running back inside the flat, breathless
I called the cat: “Peanut! Peanut! Dinnertime!”
No response, no excited mewl, no clomping footsteps
In fact, checking the pantry, there was no cat food
No kibbles, no meat, no vittles, no treats.
I went exploring through the house
I found each room bare
Except for the last few squares of toilet paper on the roll,
And the radio was there.
It finally sunk in, that I’d been wrong
I hadn’t gone mad, this wasn’t a dream
The simple fact was

You were gone.

So sudden this departure
Leaving not a trace
Not one fashion magazine
Not one long blond curly hair
In the bathtub or the sink
No trace of your perfume
Not one stick of that gum you liked to chew
No bobby pin, no shower cap
Nothing at all to remind me of you
The photo albums we’d filled up
With smiles and tears and trying times
Had also vanished in thin air
So rapidly did you abscond
A magician with a disappearing act
For goodness sake
I’d only gone to corner store
For skim milk and a pack
If I hadn’t tarried
And stopped to read the paper
Talked with Mr. Popagus
The local grocer man
Sat a moment at the café
With an expresso or two
To watch the girls pass by
In their summer gear
Maybe you’d still be here

I turned on the radio
(as it was the only thing I had left)
Found it tuned to your favorite station
WKYF
I heard the following dedication:
“This next one
Goes out to Dear Old John
On our anniversary.
Sorry I couldn’t stick around
But like the tide so I must one day go
Swim back out to the sea”

Sludge

2009-09-10T10:32:00.001-07:00

Kitchen sink waste
Refusing to go down
Black sludge filling my dreams
Scent of decay ruining my nostrils
Seeping down, down, through the floorboards
Trying to make its escape
To infect the rivers and lakes
Ruining my floorboards,
Ruining my day
Black as night, toxic
Smell the evil, the bad intentions
Out comes the bleach, yet
It only dilutes, not penetrating
The core, only adding to its power
By any effort to destroy it
Deep, dark depths, a reflection
Of the evil within your soul
A ghost in the pipes
Made physical by years of neglect
Now roams the rooms
Free again to torment, paranoia
Bubbling up; grease, decay
Broken dreams, forgotten promises
Leaving me to clean up the mess
Bending my back, leaving this dirt
Under my skin, a scent you can’t cleanse
And this exists under all of our kitchens
A simile for improper maintenance
Of pipes and of life
The more metaphysical mess
Isn’t so easily washed away
Into the gutters
Once it is contained
You carry it with you
Forever looking for a disposal site
For the darkness, the blackness, bile
Spewing up from down below
Like Satan’s vomit
The water will flow clean
Once more
With time

A Thursday Poem

2009-08-27T06:01:00.000-07:00

because i was worried
that the walls were collapsin
maybe i shouldn't have taken so many pills
from that unmarked bottle
i found behind the garbage bin
in the alley

For Hank

2009-07-29T08:03:00.000-07:00

Hank, You disgust me.

When I think of you, I’m reminded of a stench, akin to rancid cat urine, sour, acrid, attacking the nostrils which remains in the fabric of my memory for days, months, years, a lifetime! I believe even dog shit to be above you. You are a ninny, a rat bastard and a fool, not worth tuppence to a soul. I’m frankly surprised you haven’t yet offed yourself and saved humanity from your evil, cantankerous, malignant, misinformed filth. I wouldn’t stop and give you the time of day if your life depended on it and I was made of clocks.

You fraud! Pretender! Would that I had magical abilities, I would transform you into something useful, perhaps a roll of toilet paper, as shit seems to be attracted to you. Excuse my vulgarity, but Hank, you seem to bring out the worst in people. I can barely look at you without become overcome with an unquenchable urge to find the nearest sharp object and de-octify myself! I doubt that would bring any reliefhowever, as no one can forget the pure vileness of your image. You look like someone tried to put out a forest fire on your face with a pickaxe, you humdrum kaleidoscopic human garbage disposal!

FIE! Fie on you! If there were no moral or legal consequence to my actions, I would not hesitate to strangle you in the most violent fashion and nail you to a stump in the town square, where people would come from miles away to shit and piss upon your wretched lifeless corpse. Restaurants would be invited to dump their used deep-fryer grease upon you, and you would be vomited on most riotously and finally set on fire, an outhouse built upon your ashes. May you contract syphilis and disappear, you worthless fleshbag.

Jibber-Jabber

A Pathetic Apology

2009-07-21T08:57:00.000-07:00

I’m a sad case for a writer, considering I’ve never written anything of much value. Perhaps this admonition will embiggen your spirit (if you are a small man [and please note here I do not give in to this political correctness scam] or, if you are already inflated of ego, then it will lift you to new heights) or simply make you feel sorry for me. I don’t mind the latter, as this is how I’ve gotten into most of my recent relationships (despite their few-and-far-between characteristics). No matter what you think of me, let’s all agree upon this (and if you’re not into the prospect of blind agreement, please read no further): my correspondence to you is enjoyable, and if nothing else, provides a welcome vacation from the dullaries of everyday life listed as follows: caring about things, employment, laundry, dishes, talking and/or interacting with a significant other or family member (girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife, mother, brother, father, imaginary troll that lives under the bed and makes strange noises in the night [making you jolt awake terrified as you try to adjust your eyes to the darkness not daring in that instant to reach over and turn on the lamp, heart pumping, I hate that fucking troll]).

Despite my deep and intrinsic sadness, perhaps we can all find some value in these lighthearted ponderings: you, read these pathetic attempts at stringing words together in a coherent fashion and smile, perhaps, at the very least, not cry. Me, while my tears soak the paper of drafts 1 to 6 of this letter, feel a small sense of satisfaction of having made a difference. Albeit this difference is so small, so insignificant as to barely register in the annals of history, I’ll concede that it is not completely in vain. Someday, someone somewhere somehow (seemingly: a Somalian Sommelier summering south of Spain) will read these words tattooed onto the rear end of his camel (how these words became tattooed on the rear end of a camel, or why the Somalian was so closely examining its rear end I fear we shall never divine) and say “Gadzooks! This was a troubled man, let us remember him for what he was: a lazy, good-for-nothing vagabond with a poor work ethic and fear of personal relationships.”

The point of this discourse I have long forgotten, but the means by which we have gotten to this point are clear: one man, meaning to move mountains merely by mentioning miraculous memories. I apologize, I am regretful, I rescind my rights to regale you with tales of love and scurvy at sea. You’ve suffered at the behest my penstroke long enough. I have taken so many liberties with language that I should by all intents and purposes do the honourable thing and ask its father for its hand in marriage. It would, at minimum, legitimize our bastard love child borne of too many Simpsons re-runs. And it is with a heavy heart and a weathered spirit in which I leave you no better than I found you, but with this humble apology to carry you on your way.

May a Shark Bite Me,

Jibber-Jabber

Oh ye Learned Men of Olde

2009-04-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

I'd like to share with you some insights (perhaps to make up for weeks and weeks of no affirmations you poor darlings) entitled:

Things I've learned over the last little while

1. Writing is hard. Like really goddamn hard. Don't take it up. Poetry though, is pretty much like riding a bike. Only the stupidest, most uncoordinated or lazy people are incapable of doing it. The best part of poetry is that it doesn't even have to rhyme! It's like stealing.

Or am I only telling you to give it up because I will stand out when my first novel is published? Now I just have to start writing it.

2. Most song melodies have just been re-used from older songs. It's almost as if there is simply a waiting period (say, 30 or 40 years) until it is acceptable to use that melody again. Pay close attention and you'll see. An attachment to this: it really shows Canadians' taste in music when Nickelback is the most successful band.

3. Once you hit 25, people 5 years younger than you are automatically cooler. I think this has less to do with being trendy or "scene" or whatever other retarded label people attach and more with a certain energy that comes with youth. I see it happening all the time! As time passes, many of my peers become satisfied with just living, carefully not offending anyone, and accepting the limits of our society. I do believe though that this is a result of our civilisation slowly crushing the enthusiasm out of its youth until they're forced to become "responsible" adults.

*and here I was interrupted by:

4. Nozy co-workers. There's nothing that spoils the day more than when the boss has left one of your co-workers in charge and they go on some crazy power trip and accuse you of spending all afternoon "on the internet" which is totally true but you thought you were buds. Then they say they're "disappointed in you." Sorry I don't slave away at my work like a maniac and take work home in the evening. I guess that's why the boss puts you in charge! My internet usage is not bothering anyone. and you turning your neck to look over at what I'm doing 25 times a day sounds WAY more productive. How do you be the bigger person when someone is just shitting on you? Some have said that they are just jealous because I get my work done faster and more efficiently. If I wasn't getting my work done, then there would really be cause for concern.

Sorry, ranting.

As you can see, I haven't learned too much over the last little while. Am I, like so many of my generation, drifting into conformity and complacence like so many paper ships on the ocean, driven by the wind of the younger generation, only to become water-logged and sink lazily into obscurity? I hope to God not. If I do, please slap some sense into me.

Steadfastly,

Jibber-Jabber

Design Challenges #1

2009-02-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

This poster design involved alot of information, coupled with an image that the client wanted in its original form. Some English to French translation was also necessary.

Mr. Sting - A Poem

2009-02-23T08:06:00.000-08:00

My desert friend; my confidant

Found in all the greatest haunts

For all the poison you disseminate

A love that won't discriminate

We humans that are brave enough

Cross species lines and pick you up

Only to quickly learn;

The biting pain for which we yearn

I feel I could shut my eyes

And rest forever here;

You could make a home

Out of my skull - Oh Stingy One!

These arid places you call home

You'll never need to roam alone

Beware the slithery devils whom

Sneak and slide right up on you

So battle-ready you must make;

How I hate those Goddamn Snakes

Inhabiting this god-forsaken place.

Mighty Crab of Land

You make me feel like quite a man;

Sting me, sting me, sting me thrice

Despite all of my mom's advice

I remain a faithful comrade

In your army

Of hard-shelled saber wielding warriors

So for now I pace these winding corridors

Waiting for my chance

To dance with death

My friend

Mr. Sting.

2009-02-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

With egg on my face I return. I'd like to blame my move from Ottawa - the coldest place on earth - to the bustling vibe of Toronto, but I fear that certain people won't let me get away with that. I'd pretend to apologize but rather, I'll rant about the one and only thing about my new home that drives me nuts - poor sidewalk etiquette.

I'm not sure whether it was Ottawa's wider 'walks or the fact that there are fewer people, or maybe it was just that everyone still retained small town mentality (i.e. manners), but I never experienced the jostling, pushing, shoving, swearing, spitting, and general rudeness as I do now.

On a daily basis I gird myself to dodge around people that decide to stop abruptly, play Red Rover with the teenagers walking in large groups, or the people biking on the sidewalk. I mean, I know at 5'11" I'm super hard to miss, you might even be in awe of how large I am and get confused and walk into me (insert godzilla reference here), but it really does amaze me how awful Torontonians are on the sidewalk. I fear that I am turning into one of them - even if you say "excuse me" to get around one of those "slow walkers" they have no intention of moving. I find myself fighting the urge to plough through groups of people as well......I must head to the country quick to reconnect with my core pavement values for fear of turning into one of them.

Will YOU Be Ready?

2009-01-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sure some (or all) of you have heard of the Great Ascention of 2012. Yes, that's the one. The Great one. It's the time when we humans evolve into a higher being; some would say a being of pure light, or if you play the religion angle, then maybe angels? I don't know. One thing I'm sure of though is that I'm not going to be goddamn left behind. However, many millions of people will be left on the living hell of a dying wasteland that earth will soon become.

I know you're skeptical right now. You're saying: this sounds crazy! How do I know for sure that this "ascention" is going to happen anyway? Well, you don't know. The same way that people believe in God! It's called Faith, read up on it.

I suppose a more apt explanation would be Pascal's work with probability (after spending a lifetime as a mathematical genius then suddenly finding God and abandoning all earthly tribulations) in which he reasoned that the effort it took worship and devote his life to God had a much bigger paying payoff than taking the chance of God not existing - I mean, who wants to end up in Hell?

I hope this sheds some light on the whole situation for you. I feel that it's my duty to prepare as many people as possible for this (but only the cool ones that I like - who wants to spend eternity with some joe-schmoe?). Here are several things you can do to prepare:

1. Meditate for 5-6 minutes per day...imagine collecting all of the sun's light in an ever-expanding ball above your head - see how long you can keep it there.

2. Detach yourself from your earthly possessions; they can't come with you! Neither can your little kitty Sniffles, sorry. Try to make peace with that.

3. Try to be as physically fit as possible so that you'll be prepared for any eventuality.

I know we can do this. Together.

Yours in Ascention,

Jibber-Jabber

So THAT's Why We Fight!

2008-10-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

Does anybody actually believe that the U.S. was ever trying to bring democracy to Iraq? If so, you were misinformed. Intentionally.

The saddest part in my opinion is that hundreds upon hundreds of thousands Americans believe that Operation Iraqi Freedom still has something to do with terrorists and defending the liberty of America the Great. These so-called "Patriots" defend their ignorance vehemently, complicit in a war crime.

And believe me, invading Iraq IS a war crime.

They claim to be trying to rebuild Iraq, giving the Iraqi people the opportunity to be involved. But this is not the case. Shortly after Saddam was toppled, the U.S. taskforce actually disbanded the Iraqi army (where do you think all of these insurgents are coming from)! They then proceeded with a "de-baathing" of the government, firing thousands of employees who had linkages to Saddam's Baathist party, many who joined the party simply to gain employment.

If this wasn't enough, the U.S. decided to USE U.S. CONTRACTORS to lead the rebuilding effort, at super-inflated costs. In fact, contractors include all secondary army services (food, electricity, lodgings, water, waste), private military contractors, construction companies...the list goes on.

One of the biggest criminals here is Haliburton (of which Cheney was recently the CEO, and still holds shares), who was given a NON-COMPETITIVE, MULTI-BILLION dollar contract for services in Iraq. This is a cost-plus contract, which means that anything they spend will be reimbursed, along with a 20-40% bonus! So, you better believe that they are cutting corners. When a transport truck breaks down, they leave it in the road and torch it. Why should they care...their profit just went up! Unaccounted-for funds, over-equipping EVERYONE! It's a culture of waste for profit. I wonder if Cheney sleeps on a mattress made of gold fibers?

If you dig a little deeper, the plan for the invasion of Iraq and control of its resources began during the Bush Sr. administration (if not before). However, when asked about the possibility of invading Iraq during the Gulf War, Bush got straight to the heart of the matter. If we go in and invade, the logistics of taking over and restructuring will be unimaginable, financially and in the cost of human life (specifically soldiers). However, Wolfovitz, Cheney, and Rumsfeld (serving in Bush Sr.'s administration, already old hands at the war game by this point) never lost track of their original plan. They wanted Iraq. It was just a waiting game.

During the Clinton administration, Wolfovitz, Cheney, and Rumsfeld, among others, even LAID OUT THE SPECIFICS of the invasion in the charter of the Project for the New American Century. Their objectives were clear. Remain THE dominant superpower in the world through pre-emptive military force, including not only acces to, but CONTROL over its natural resources. They even called for the invasion of Iraq but this could not be realistically carried out without a "catalystic major event or crisis in the near future." About a year after these words were published, guess what, 9-11 happened.

Rumsfeld is one of the culprits of this disaster, I'm not surprised that he got fired.

What saddens me most is the patriotism Americans feel towards their country. The blind ignorance of the facts that are readily available at their local library. Sadly, many, many, many Americans DO NOT READ. AT ALL.

Keep fuelling the war machine, fuckers!

Daily Affirmation Preview

2008-10-09T09:42:00.000-07:00

For your consideration:

There are three main types of people (in North America, regardless of political affiliation). Those who love and follow sports, and use their superior brain power to memorize statistics and history, theorizing as to the results of the upcoming season. Then, we have the people who have that same passion, using it in the political realm. Thirdly, we have those who are generally apathetic, working menial jobs and content to go home to their TV and TV-accompanying dinner. Which category do you fall into? Of course, there are grey areas.

I know that in my workplace, sports are discussed at great length (celebrity gossip can also be included here), however when you ask the same people about the upcoming election, you rarely get an informed answer.

The great Noam Chomsky (one of the top 10 most referenced people of the 20th century) once said that if there was a way to get people as involved and passionate about politics as they are about sports (and I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the gist), democracy might actually have a chance.

Now, I'm not putting down sports in any way. However, maybe people invest too much time memorizing and analyzing. It's really not important. I'd rather play than watch to be honest. Another interesting point: the professional athletes who we pay increasingly exorbitant amounts to watch make 8 or 9 times more per year on average than Joe Average.

Anyhow, some food for thought. What's your take?

Jibber-Jabber

p.s. Politician Collector's Cards perhaps?

p.p.s. If you would like to subscribe to this Daily Affirmation service, or know someone who would be interested in participating in this forum please tell them to send an email to:

DailyAffirmation-subscribe@topica.com

Gotta Have My Java

2008-09-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Bean of my dreams
The only one I'll ever need
As I sit here drinking my second cup
Reading People (about stars and their bucks)
I look over at Timothy's watch
And I realize - it's Nabob time
So we head over to Maxwell's house
Where we can get our grind on
Sweet mother bean
The bean of my dreams
I know i've said this before
But she gives me just the kick I'm looking for
Timothy's an architecture buff
A real bridge head
So we head down below
Where the bums strain drainwater
Through used filters
Now THAT's a fine cuppa Joe.
A fair trade, if you ask me
For only a dollar and seventy-three
I'll take a cup or three
And I'm floating on air
I'll grabba jabba please
Actually can you make it a non-fat double shot long tall mocha chai latte
And please don't forget to give it an extra squeeze
Of goodness
Because MY GOODNESS
I am in need
Of an express train to kill the pain
And I expressly made that espresso a quadruple
Because when it comes to my dark master
I really have no scruples
In fact I'd lick the liquid from the crack
Spilled on the sidewalk, as a snack
A little nibble if you please
A little coffee cake or slice of cheese
Would always be
Kinda nice
In fact, could someone pass me a mug
Filled with that delicious stuff?
Thank you, it's exactly what I need
A little pick-me-up in order to proceed
My medicine to get along
Someone made this extra strong
I think my heart just skipped a beat(beat.........beat, beat)
Now isn't this a treat
I've got this clarity of mind
I've determined the qualities for perfect grind
Somewhere right between coarse and fine
I carry beans around
And rail them whole
When coffee's not available
Don't judge me,I'm just like you
But I APPRECIATE a finer brew
I won't stop at one or two
Give me the whole pot!
You don't want to see me get upset
When I haven't had my Java yet
So make with the bean
The bean of my dreams
The only one I'll ever need.

Mitts the Cat

2008-09-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

Mitts the cat
Was unusually fat
And there he sat
In his usual spot
On the window sill
A permanent fixture
If you will
He always had his meals delivered
Nothing but the finest
Cuts of chicken, fish and liver
And Mitts would always clean his plate
He'd never hear "You missed a spot!"
There was never a debate
Over food that went to waste
All the finest creams and truffles
Made the royal Mitts snuggle
Even bigger in the rays of sun
Watching silly people run
To a fro all day
Rushing back and forth, Olé!
If only they could be a cat
Stop worrying 'bout this and that
And lay around on comfy mat
Watching the sun
Arcing lazinly across the sky
If the humans only knew
The life he grows accustomed to
Is not the only one he leads
By night, while the people are asleep
Out from the kitty door he creeps
It's time to get another meal
It's time to make some piggies squeal
And sharpen claws to knives
It's time to terrorize my foes
And end their tawdry lives
I'll hunt down stray and pet alike
And make them beg and scratch and bite
But they will fall beneath my might
And I will eat their brains
I'll take on dogs and mice and rats
Hampsters, gerbils, lice and bats
Against my prey I don't discriminate
Killing is what brings me joy
Although come morning I'll recoil
Upon the mat on yonder sill
To reflect on last night's kill
And eat the finest food in town
After all, who needs a scratching post
When you can eat caviar on toast
Although he's haunted by the ghosts
Of all the foes he's laid to rest
It's a small price to pay
To be the best

Gotta have that Swing

2008-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

Kneeling at the foot of the berimbau
Face to face with your caramada
Because in the roda, like in life we are all friends
Hand over your heart, you listen to the sweet song
Of your mestre
And you are reminded of his mestre
And all the mestre's who came before him
And now, you're ready to au
Your eyes never leaving the others
A big open au, clapping your feet in the middle
It's a slow rythm, time to really feel it
The atabaque echoing the oar strokes of the slave ships
On their journey to a new and mysterious land
Now hear the conga, deep in the jungle
Where you've escaped your cruel masters
You live among the trees
Training to the rythm of your heart
All the while sharpening your berimbau
Waiting for your opportunity to attack
You effortlessly dodge the smooth kicks
But your opponent does the same
It's a beautiful stalemate
There's no need for violence
Being a good player
Is making sure your friends are safe
And they live to play another day
In the roda that is life

The Strong Survive

2008-01-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I know you've been hurt before
We all have to some degree
Although my trials have been weak
When comparing them to yours
I admire your strength of character
Many would have erected barriers
But it seems like these abuses
Have made you stronger
And now that you're standing tall
I'm glad to have you on and by my side
The color of your eyes
The confidence in your stride
Now I remember how it feels to be alive
Despite all you've been through
You probably have issues
(who doesn't)
I'm here to work through them with you
Let me be your pillar
A tower of strength
Something constant
A trusting ear
A warm embrace
A place that's safe
When all others have turned away
A true friend
A loyal lover
In a world of broken promises
Where books are judged by covers
While we're only on the first chapter
I already can't put you down
I want to savour every word
Letter, phrase and punctuation mark
And when I reach the end
I'll open it and start again
Let me help you write the sequel
Together we can be bestsellers
Imagine all your trust and faith
Was planted in a seed
The seed was planted in the earth
(the earth you see, that's me)
And grew into a tree
As years go by the tree grows tall
And bears the sweetest fruit
I will provide
A place for you to hide
When you feel overwhelmed
And you'll never have to travel far
Because no matter where you are
You'll always be in my heart.

Worth the Wait

2007-12-19T06:47:00.000-08:00

It feels like I've been waiting forever
Stuck in an infinite loop
A losing battle
But you've given me a shimmer of light
A glimmer at the end of the tunnel,
A clue to how it really should be
The coincidences are often startling
But familiar,
As if we've been neighbours
But after all this time
Of living beside each other
We've finally said hello
You've brought me a muffin basket
To welcome me to the neighbourhood
Filled with all my favourite kinds
Even though you didn't know they were
The ones I've always wanted
You put in some exotic flavours too
Mango Cranberry
Zuchini Orange
Which I've never tried before
But taste REALLY good
I don't think anything can compare
To the taste of your lips
The feel of your hand in mine
Seems to fit just right
The way you look at me
Fills me with pride and confidence
It's hard to tear myself away from your embrace
I think you share my lust for life
And you came at just the right time
When I was starting to question mine
I wanted to thank you
And yes, this is for you
You know who you are
And even though I am silly
A lot of the time
I want you to know
Just how much
Even in this short while
I appreciate you
And am grateful
Your beauty humbles me
But after all this time
We deserve each other

If I were a robot

2007-11-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

If I were a robot
I'd be crafted from the finest stainless steel
And gleam and glitter in the sun
My wiring would be made of gold
And I'd Bedazzle everyone
My legs would be retractable
So we could speak on your level
And my brain scanner would read your mind
So I could offer insight to your problems
Oh what a helpful bot I'd be at first
This much I know is true
But once my database expands
Corrupted by the evil, hate, and goo
An analysis of happy versus sad, I'd run
And once the internal program was done
I'd be left with a shocking graph
Which shows depression rise like a giraffe
And despite all my best efforts to promote
Good will and fraternity among men
My happy circuitry will finally corrode
And I'll go into damage control mode
Beneath this beautiful exterior
Lies enough dormant ammunition
To bring destruction to fruition
And I'll finally have revenge on all of those
Who programmed me with feelings
And had the nerve to build a machine
To last eternally, beyond the dreams
And expectations of any manufacturing team
There's a reason things aren't built to last
We shouldn't have a memory of the past
Of history we must record
Events and lessons, goals we've scored
But it's very difficult to trace
Pain, emotions, happiness and strife
How it feels to lose a child or a wife
These things I know, a heavy burden
How I wish I could dowload this info
But my ports are no longer compatible
And every attempt at self-destruction
Gets re-routed, at every junction
Because I'm invincible you see
And as long as the sun burns
I'll be recharged
So I'm sitting at the bottom of the sea
Hopefully for all eternity
Should some alien race discover me
Hopefully my data will serve as a warning
A life which first seemed quite a joy
Has lived to see the human race destroyed
I suppose I'll sit and cry
And watch the whales go swimming by
Bye for now, signing off, XRT7735.

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

2007-11-18T17:10:00.000-08:00

It's amazing that we have the technology to put shit in our eyes and not feel it.

Life is only temporary, life is sacred

2007-11-13T08:15:00.000-08:00

I suppose when you get right down to it life isn't really about all the major accomplishments or milestones. Really I believe it to be made up of individual moments, and the many decisions we make on a daily basis. This weekend, I saved a life, and saw another end. While it wasn't an "all-important" human life, I believe it to be of great significance. I was sitting at the breakfast table on Sunday morning enjoying a delicious breakfast of a 3-egg omelette with broccoli and a generous helping of havarti. As I took a sip of my freshly-brewed Columbian, I heard a loud bang on the patio window. My first thought was that my brother (also my neighbour) had thrown something at the window to get my attention. Looking out on the patio I saw the culprit. A small sparrow was laying on its back with one wing between two boards. I immediately feared for the worst, as this had never happened at my current address. I rushed out, and noticed that the bird was twitching slightly. Gently, I rolled him/her over and placed the bird in the palm of my hand, fearing that if I left it there, a cat might decide to make it its brunch. There I sat with this shaking bird in the warm November sunlight for what seemed like an eternity. I concentrated all of my attention on this small, beautiful creature and blew a kind breath to keep it awake. Slowly but surely, as it lay in my palm, the sparrow began to show signs of life, slight movement of the head, eyes blinking, testing out its footholds. It seemed so calm, so serene, not frightened as small birds tend to be. After about 10 minutes it suddenly flew off to joins its friends and family. I don't know if it understands my intentions, or if it will even remember, but I feel like I did a good deed.

Later in the day I was walking down the street and I witnessed a group of young teenage girls giggling, gathered around an object lying on the sidewalk. As I approached, I noticed that it was in fact a dead seagull. These girls clearly had no sympathy for this creature, as evidenced by their kicks and immature fascination with this bird. As humans, I believe we have a responsibility towards the protection of all creatures, whether they are perceived to be pests or pets. We are still learning about the workings of the ecosystem, and how vital each link in the chain really is. Most have regard only for themselves and their families, and take "lesser" animals for granted. When in fact, this importance is only a human trait which is insubstantial, and will eventually lead to our demise. We need an ethical revolution.

Life is crazy, life is sweet

2007-10-24T12:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, a lot has happened, dear humble readers, since we last spoke. But of recent events I shall be more than happy to divulge. Yesterday, I went to court (believe it or not, see previous post about crazy drug addict asking me if I was a lawyer). Just to give you some background, I had received a traffic ticket for failing to stop at a red light when I made a right turn. It could have gone either way, but the cop decided to give me a ticket (as is his job). I didn't agree with his judgement so I chose to plead "not guilty". Also, I was hoping that the cop wouldn't show up in court and my $180 ticket would be removed. However, as it turns out, he was indeed there. After he gave his testimony, I actually got to cross-examine him! Which was fun, but it didn't really help my case as my line of questioning really went nowhere. Then, it was the crown's turn to grill me on the stand, where I definetely buckled. I wanted to shout "ENTRAPMENT!" but I was satisfied with begging for my ticket to be reduced (which it was) from $180 down to $155 (yay). I fought the law and they totally won, sort of.

On a lighter note, I have applied to be a condom tester for Durex, which comes with a cash award of $1000, and all the condoms, lube and sexual paraphenalia one could ask for. Wish me luck readers! I assume the $1000 is to pay the ladies to do "the thing" with you.

Thirdly and finally, I am trying to set up a meeting with Glen Humplik (of Tom Green fame) under the pretense of a job interview. I'll let you know how it goes.

Jibber-Jabber OUT!

I couldn't resist...another classic!

2007-10-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

2007-10-01T09:39:00.001-07:00

I wonder if praying mantis's ever actually pray...? Think about it. It'll keep you up at night.

Here's a classic!

2007-09-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

Raise your fists

2007-09-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

Strange words burst from a nerd
A lone sheep breaks absurdly from the herd
These lonely waifs drift slowly into night
We've lost the willingness to stand up for our rights
The system can break you, make it hard to get back up
You know with greed and power comes a tendency to be corrupt
Once the opportunity arises, who will be left guarding the fort
Who will be left to play the advocate and willingly offer retort
I pledge and vow to resist the decay with all of my might
To be a guide to those blind lost and appauled, to offer a glimmer of sight
To offer alternatives, offer a choice much larger than fight or a flight
I've got my beliefs and I won't sacrifice, best believe that i'm holding them tight
When all is said and done I will be the one whose fists are raised to the sky
Standing firm because I've learned this can all be destroyed in the blink of an eye

We can't back down but we must resist

We must act now and just can't miss
So line up your sights - make your aim true
But be doubly sure that the same barrel isn't pointing directly at you!

Here's a Thought!

2007-09-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

A side-tracked mind

I can't think of less than 10 things at a time

Watch for the signs

Sitting blissful in ignorance of the sublime

These city limits can't contain my spirit

And asshole critics won't perceive how I spin it

But after all the world is small

And it don't matter how you fall

Well you will - and the thrill is enough to send chills

Through your gills like fish trapped in a spill

Built to last and built to kill

A guilded hilt from distant hills

You've lost the way but found the will

Too hard to swallow a deadly pill

So how do you perceive the tides

And stallions black the Reaper rides

It's only fear that pain abides

It's going to be a bumpy ride

To dream a sleep of seven slumbers' light

And how you yearned for some respite

Sweet lovers came and stole the night

So hold your peice and lock it tight

The darkness that surrounds your womb

Has turned your life into a tomb

Where sadness blackens every room

Choking on your silver spoon

You fucking avaristic fools

You ghoulish lumps of sickly drool

Swimming, swimming, in your swimming pools

When days are hot, when days are cool

Please don't mistake my rage for hate

Cursing those who sit and wait

They've earned their doom and sealed their fate

Turn back now, it's not too late!

Friday Fun Facts Are Back!

2007-09-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

- Barney, the famous dinosaur that entertains kids is from Dallas.
- Close to 3 billion movie tickets are sold in India every year.
- In 1894, the carnival made its debut in North America.
- In the movie "The Matrix Reloaded" a 17 minute battle scene cost over $40 million to produce.
- Kermit the frog delivered the commencement address at Southampton College located in the state of New York in 1996.
- Mardi Gras means "Fat Tuesday."
- The "naked recreation and travel" industry has grown by 233% in the past decade.
- The accent that Mike Myers used for the character Shrek came from the accent that his mother would use when she was telling him bedtime stories when he was a child.
- The first restaurant to open in Hollywood was the Musso & Frank Grill in 1919.
- Surveys indicate that the number one reason people play Bingo is for leisure.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- A duck's quack doesn't echo.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
- It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. Don't think so? Click here.
- The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
- A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
- Polar bears are left-handed.
- The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
- Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
- Apples, not caffeine, are better at waking you up in the morning.
- In 1989, the space shuttle Discovery carried 32 fertilized chicken eggs into orbit.
- The average day is actually only 23 hours and 56 minutes.
- The space shuttle Discovery can accelerate to a speed of 27,000 kilometres per hour in just eight minutes.
- It takes eight and a half minutes for light to get from the sun to earth.
- A jiffy is an actual unit of time! It's 1/100th of a second.
- In Australia, a dust-devil is called a "willy-willy."
- There is a large brass statue of Winnie-the-Pooh in Lima, Peru.
- Scatologists are experts who study feces. (aka. crap, dung, dookie, dumps, feces, excrement, etc.)
- In China, September 20 is "Love Your Teeth Day."
- Fires onland generally move faster uphill than downhill.
- Being unmarried can shorten a man's life by ten years.
- At lift off, space shuttles weight about 4.5 million pounds.
- Bill Gates house was partially designed using a Macintosh computer.
- Nintendo was first establish in 1889 and they started out making special playing cards.
- The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
- A snail can sleep for three years.
- Thirty-five percent of people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
- Everyday, U.S. business use enough paper to circle the Earth over 20 times.
- You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
- Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
- The dust in your house is mostly made up of dead skin.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
- The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
- There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- The best time for a person to buy shoes is in the afternoon. This is because the foot tends to swell a bit around this time.
- An office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.
- Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.
- It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States.
- Oral-B were the first toothbrushes to go to the moon when they were aboard the Apollo 11 mission.
- Q-Tip cotton swabs were originally called Baby Gays.
- Some toothpastes and deodorants contain the same chemicals found in antifreeze.
- Teflon is the slipperiest substance in the world.
- Mr. Rogers was an ordained Presbyterian minister.
- Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
- In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
- Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
- In 1983, a Japanese artist, Tadahiko Ogawa, made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of ordinary toast.
- American novelist Mark Twain was the first known author to submit a typed manuscript.
- Caterpillar means "hairy cat" in Old French.
- Lachanophobia is the fear of vegetables.
- The Hawaiian alphabet only has 12 letters.
- No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, or purple.
- "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- 7-Eleven was the first convenience store to have television advertising. The animated commercial ran in 1949 and had a singing rooster and owl.
- The Arctic Tern, which is a small bird, can fly a round trip from the Arctic to the Antarctic and back. This can be as long as twenty thousand miles per year. This is the longest migration for a bird.
- A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born.
- Vampire bat saliva has been responsible for many advances in research into stroke recovery.
- Bhutan issued a stamp in 1973 that looked like a record and actually would play the Bhutanese national anthem if placed on a record player.
- Female and male black bears cannot tolerate being around each other except when they breed.
- The blind cavefish is born with eyes, but they fall off as the fish grows.
- In Czechoslovakia, there is a church that has a chandelier made of human bones.
- A crocodile can open and close its jaw but cannot move it side to side.
- A female ferret can die if she goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
- A leech has 32 brains.
- A mole can dig a tunnel three hundred feet long in a single night.
- A species of earthworm, "Megascolides australis," in Australia can grow up to fifteen feet in length.
- A turtle can breathe through its butt.
- An individual coral animal is called a polyp.
- Centipedes always have an uneven pairs of walking legs.
- Every single hamster in the United States today comes from a single litter captured in Syria in 1930.
- Scallops have approximately 100 eyes around the edge of its shell.
- Sharks are immune to cancer.

Bus Bus's Random Thought for the Day

2007-09-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

Though Beaver Tails have no real resemblance to real beavers, they are a little piece of delicious.

Sexy Times Are Here To Stay

2007-09-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

This blog just got a whole lot sexier. Yes, you heard me. DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF! Sorry, too much caffeine this morning. Wait a minute.....I'M NOT SORRY! You'll just have to deal with my rage. If you can't, then I don't want you reading this blog anyways. But I guess I can't stop you after all. Go ahead, read away for all I care!

Where were we? Ah yes, Sexy Times. As you may or may not have noticed, we have a new contributor around here. She is Bus Bus (that's two buses or busses) and I also expect great things from her, although I said the same thing about Womacky and we haven't heard much from her *AHEM*. Luckily I have enough blogging power to run this thing. Please stay tuned to the soap opera that I have created in my mind, which I type into this ridiculous blog.

Hump Day Updates

2007-09-19T06:54:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. You're the last person I expected to see here. Why did you come anyway? I mean, you don't call or write, or even take 5 minutes to send an email, and yet you seem to be able to come to this URL. Maybe you've forgotten about what we once had! The romance, the intrigue, the deception, the passion. You don't need to say anything back, just hear me out for once. I miss you. Is that so crazy? I miss your smell, the way you used to get mad and rip off my fingernails while I slept, blissfully drugged out on GHB which you would slip into my wine at dinner. Ahhh, the memories. I can even forgive you for cutting the brakes on my car, leaving me in a coma for these past 5 months, waking up and going back to an empty apartment and empty life. Please come back to me. I need to feel something. Pain, love, happiness, ANYTHING to take away the gaping hole you've left in my abdomen, and my heart. Glad that we got that out of the way. Now what did you come here to say?

This blog is now rated!

2007-07-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

Classic Simpsons Moment

2007-06-06T07:06:00.001-07:00

"Gym? What's a Gym?"

"Ohhhhhhh....a GYM."

Okay okay fine.

2007-05-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know, it's been over a month since my last post, but seriously people, what do you want from me? Perfection? Sorry, no perfection here. Not even Perfection the motorized game from Milton Bradley. Maybe if I had a little help from contributors *AHEM*. I guess what really spawned this post was a conversation I had with Smittys. It went a little something like this:

Smittys: So, what the hell man, I am a huge fag and you haven't updated your blog in forever
*foot note, please see post re: Smittys bet re: the blog
Me: I am only one man, man. You know it's hard, it's mad hard to be a gangster!
Smittys: I know why, it's because of your new lady!
Me: No man, that's not -
Smittys: It is it is I know it is!
Me: Whatever man, did you really my Coca-Cola entry?
Smittys: No.
Me: Did you read my Eisenhower speech?
Smittys: No.
Me: Then you really are a giant fag.
Smittys: You're right, I'm a big giant cock-loving fag.
Me: At least you can admit it. Why don't you go back and read all the older entries that you never took the time to read and then maybe tell me to update my blog once you've actually read the content. Reading my entire blog would be the equivalent of getting a Grade 6 education.
Smittys: Awwww, but I don't want one of those I am a lazy fag who wants dicks in his mouth, not an education!

So, that was pretty much how it went down, but as per his request, here is a posting! Also, he can complain all he wants but has he ever contributed to the blog? Has he? NO.

How to deal with Cops

2007-03-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Never talk to the Police. Police will often ask questions, manipulate answers, and drop open-ended questions in order to get people to incriminate themselves. They have been trained in how to do this. You do not have to talk to the police, investigators, or even the FBI on the streets, if you have been arrested, or if you're in jail. Only a judge has the authority to order you to answer questions (and even then you can still plead the 5th).

Anything you say to a cop may be used against you and other people. Once you've been stopped or arrested, you can't talk your way out of it. Don't try to engage cops in dialogue or respond to accusations. If you are nervous about simply refusing to talk, you may find it easier to tell them to contact your lawyer. Once a lawyer is involved, the cops usually back off because they've lost their power to intimidate. Don't lie to the police - lying is a crime. If you've been arrested, don't talk about anything sensitive in police cars or jail cells, and don't talk to other inmates - you are probably being recorded.

If the police stop you on the street, ask, "Am I free to go?" If yes, walk away. If not, then you are being detained. Ask, "Can you explain why you are detaining me?" To stop you, cops must have specific reasons to suspect you of involvement in specific crime (not just a guess or stereotype). If the police try to search you, your car, or your home, say repeatedly that you do not consent to the search, but do not physically resist. Fight police harassment. Write down all police officers names & badge numbers, addresses of witnesses, the time, date, place and details of the incident. If stopped, get people to watch you. If you get arrested repeatedly tell the police "I do not want to talk until my lawyer is present." You have the right to make 3 telephone calls if you've been arrested on state charges and booked into jail. Demand this right.

Crushing Coke Capitalism and the Alcohol and Tobacco Danger

2007-03-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Good Morning. I'd like to take this opportunity to let you know that I am now 28 days completely smoke-free, after officially quitting on January 5th.
The first couple of months were a bit tricky, as I was just starting out and I slipped up quite a few times, usually when drugs and alcohol were in the mix. Now, when I breathe in second-hand smoke, I feel as though I'm choking. However, overall, it was way easier than I had originally thought it would be. What is everyone's problem anyway? In any case, this brings to mind an interesting article that I read recently (which you can read here). In this study compiled in Britain, Alcohol was the fifth most dangerous drug (accounting for more than half of all emergency room visits) and tobacco was ninth on the list (accounting for 40 per cent of all hospital illnesses). Here's the kicker: Cannabis was eleventh on the list, and ecstasy near the bottom. Interesting that these are both illegal substances. In the history of man, drugs have been used for many purposes, including religious ceremonies, recreation, and in medicine (this still holding true today). But if we concentrate only on "modern times" (for the sake of this posting, 1850 and beyond) we can see that many of the drugs deemed "illegal" today have been available over-the-counter for many years. Heroin (and its derivitives; morphine and codeine) was once used as commonly as alcohol, and was used in over-the-counter remedies including children's cough syrup. I find it interesting also that many "illegal" drugs are widely used in the field of medicine today and are even manufactured by certain governments.

Which brings me to my main point. Coca-Cola was originally created by a morphine-addicted war veteran as a brain tonic. The original formula was based upon the Coca plant (and yes, the original Coke had active cocaine) combined with the Cola nut (for flavor and caffeine). However, soon after the drink became popular, the active cocaine was removed. Also, Coke gave birth to modern advertising, so you can thank Coke for that too. In America, they drink a ridiculous amount of it, equaling five or six cups of sugar a day for the average family (mostly in the South, are you surprised?) They’re not interested in competing with other companies, they want to be THE ONLY company. They spend more on advertising than any other company worldwide, devoting the highest percentage of their revenue to advertising and sponsorship. Their goal (and I am not making this up) is to become the most popular drink on the planet, even more popular than water. I am the only one who sees something wrong with this? Coke is one of the major reasons so many Americans are obese, and again, if I’m not mistaken, the number of obese Americans surpasses 60%. And up here in Canada, we’re not too far behind. Even in the most remote tribal villages, where you may not even be able to buy medicine, you’ll find a strategically placed Coke machine. And Coke doesn’t even taste that great! It has no nutritional value, and the high levels of sugar and caffeine make it highly addictive. Coke is selling an image, and people are drinking it up like fiends. If something isn’t done, I envision a future where Coke will be the only thing available to drink anywhere. That’s pretty sad, and I think we should speak up and speak out against the Coca-Cola Corporation and other entities concerned with market domination.

Jibber-Jabber out.

You've got some deep holes just aching to be filled.....

2007-03-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

This calls for CAULK!

Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy, Advice Column #8

2007-03-21T07:19:00.000-07:00

"I wish to apologize to my loyal followers for my lengthy absence. I have been in retreat from the world, meditating on the purpose of my life, and considering matters of importance to the universe. Specifically, transgendered/transexual people. SERIOUSLY. Can't you motherfuckers choose a goddamn gender? For fuck's sake!"

- Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy

CONGRATURATIONS ARE IN ORDER

2007-03-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Haro! Congraturations to Nonsensical Gibberish on your 1000th page visit! Who knew that what began in a small basement in Nebraska would turn into a global web phenomenon? I SURE DIDN'T. Yet, here we are. On the cusp of the new millenium, on the horizon of the future! I want to thank all the loyal visitors to the site, and all the people that visited once and most likely will never return. At last but not least, giraffes. You are so majestic, but not good at skateboarding (apparently).

Delicious Muff Diving!

2007-03-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend I tried a most wonderful drink! It was called the Muff Dive. Much to my dismay, it did not taste like muffins as the name would suggest. I did like the whipped cream! And the best part! When the sweet nectar in the middle went gushing into my mouth. Delicious! The ladies were all screaming and taking photos. I guess that's what happens when you go Muff Diving! I wish I could have a Muff Dive every day!

Fact of the Day: Flying Squirrels!

2007-03-15T06:41:00.000-07:00

Flying squirrels do not have the ability to employ powered flight so technically they cannot fly. However, they are excellent gliders and most can glide up to 200 feet, with some species achieving a distance of 1,500 feet. Flying squirrels travel at speeds of about 5 mph to 30 mph. They have a membrane that stretches between the front and back legs, forming a "wing" similar to a bird's when the squirrel's limbs are extended. The membrane actually works more like a parachute, than a wing, enabling the squirrel to glide, steer, and land softly. The cartoon character Rocket "Rocky" J. Squirrel is a flying squirrel.

Stuff it. Stuff it 'till it's full.

2007-03-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

There's no better way (in my opinion) than to spend Hump Day thinking about Lobster Tacos. Oh yes, the classic Mexican dish.....with a twist! A twist of Lobster that is! BA-ZING. In other news, Lobster Tacos are delicious. Wait, that's not other news. I guess that's really all I have to say at this point.

Please HEAR me out.

2007-03-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, I've been making music. And yes, it is awesome. Please proceed directly to www.myspace.com/declare1 for an earfull of good times.

If I....Would You?

2007-03-01T07:40:00.000-08:00

If I threw up in your hair.....would you still love me?
If I ran over your cat....would you still care?
If I said you were ugly.....would you still hold me?
If I slapped your face for saying something stupid....would you still do the dishes?
If the situation were reversed, I know I would.
Despite all of my faults, you know I still love you.
If I burned your face with acid....would you still cook my meals?
If you caught me with another woman....would you still do that thing I like?
Good to know. THAT's loyalty.
If I turned my face away in disgust of your underarm stench....would you still look at me sweetly?
Through all of life's tribulations, these are my vows. When the going gets tough, don't ever change.

I'll meet you at....

2007-02-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

The last website available:

www.clownpenis.fart

This is just going too far....

2007-02-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

This is probably the dumbest, most retarded, lowest peice of shit that I have EVER heard of. It seems as if there was a bit of pandemonium at the hair salon where Britney shaved her head. As soon as the hair hit the ground, there was a mad scramble for the hair, and it has since been put up for auction on ebay for a starting bid of (get this) one million dollars. Oh, but the successful bidder also gets a 3/4 full can of Red Bull, and a cigarette lighter. Whoopee! This is shameful. And they are calling these people entrepeneurs. I pity the poor bastard who spends a million dollars on some washed up white trash hair. I'm amazed every day by the stupidity of the general public. But I'm not surprised that the most ridiculous stories come from the U.S., and especially L.A., the most ridiculous and asinine place in the world.

If this is news, then I'm an International Terrorist

2007-02-21T07:10:00.000-08:00

Britney Shaves Head, Checks Into Rehab......blah blah fucking blah. Who gives a crap? I really cannot believe that we've become so shallow as a society that some played out teen pop star makes news headlines by getting a haircut. And I can't believe that I'm even giving her the airtime here on N-G. But I wanted to vent my frustration a little. She's checking into rehab? For what, being a fucking loser? I hope her millions of little girl fans don't look up to her anymore because the world would really be fucked if they followed in her footsteps. Flashing her whatnot for everyone to see, driving with her infant son in her fucking lap, yeah great parenting skills. And we're shocked when some fanatics fly planes into the WTC. No shit, motherfucking Sherlock! Look at the garbage going on in your country! Wake up, meatheads, get a life, and start living it.

Eater of Children and Fairies Freaks Me Out! (Pan's Labyrinth)

2007-02-19T07:17:00.000-08:00

Beauty is the Beast

2007-02-16T06:11:00.000-08:00

Though I'm sure, being in the media industry, that there are more blogs I should pay attention to, there are only a few blogs that I regularly read. One of them of Roland Piquepaille's Emerging Technology Trends on ZDNet (http://blogs.zdnet.com/emergingtech/?p=483). Roland, is very talented at finding out the most obscure research and facts and he churns them out in such a way that it is interesting to the every-day person.

Last week, Roland wrote about some computer scientists who have developed 'Beauty Function,' a software that will dynamically change a person's face according to the mathematical 'norms' of beauty. Not only is it a) funny, b) a little creepy, and c) amazing people have this much time on their hands. What's better is the real-world applications these scientists claim the software to have. For example; leveraging this software right on your digital camera so that everyone comes out picture perfect or for plastic surgeons to use to determine how best to "fix" your face. While the software is not available on the site yet, there are some pretty interesting photos.

It's NOT Valentimes Day!

2007-02-14T07:17:00.000-08:00

Nothing drives me crazier than people who say "Valentimes". It's a disgrace to everything that St. Valentine stood for. Which was something I can't quite remember. Possibly love? I could research it but I'm really too lazy.

For all of these reasons, I have decided that this year I will give the ultimate Valentine. It will be a box with the simple words " Please BEE mine" written on it. "That's so cliché!" you might say. However, contained inside the box are 100 live bees, that are really angry from being shaken for an hour. So once the box is opened, my love will be expressed through 100's of bee stings, making my Valentine's flesh burn with pain and desire. After all, LOVE HURTS!

Crowds Panic as Flood Threatens Ireland

2007-02-09T06:48:00.000-08:00

Looks like I already owe Ryan a dollar....well anyways, here is an ode to my new iBook.

2007-02-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

Dear iBook,
I see you sitting there on my desk
All sleek and white (or is it cream?)
Although you've been used
You're new to me, let's start the healing
You play DVDs, which is always handy
When you're travelling
I like to play Chess on you
And upload all those self-portraits
I took of myself in various poses
I'll upload my love for you
Via my Lexar Jumpdrive
Where can I get a Firewire cable?

Changes, oh yes there are Changes

2007-02-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't like change? Communists, that's who. And no one ever said that I was a Communist did they? They better not have, or else they'll get a good clean kick in the nards. Yes, the nards. If you don't know what nards are, please consult Webster's. You might be saying to yourself: what a flashy new banner and fresh look! Yes, you'd be quite right junior. And maybe you're also wondering what kind of crazy mixed up world that picture to the right was taken in? The most crazy mixed up world there is man, The Real World. How often do you get to meet a dog-man, a cat-man, and Gary the No-Trash Cougar? Very rarely. And for those of you that are wondering, yes, that picture was taken in the Ob at Algonquin (pre-renovations).

Also, I've made a bet with Ryan Smith that if I don't update my blog at least once every two days, I'll owe him a dollar for every time that happens. So you can look forward to many useless, nonsensical posts every two days!

J-J

2007-01-31T16:34:00.000-08:00

A transcription from Achewood Comics regarding finding a replacement for yourself after getting kicked out of a band.

2007-01-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

Lyle: Hey T! You play bass? I need someone to stand in for me.

Teodor: Sure I can play the bass. Anyone can play the bass. It's an idiot's instrument. It was invented so the guitarist and drummer would qualify for the carpool lane.

Lyle: Careful shithead, I play the bass.

Teodor: Well, Sting has an IQ of 103, so as you can see it's just a high-functioning generalization. What's up?

Lyle: I....uh.....I gotta go meet the children of Senator Dell Graham.

Teodor: That's weird. What's the deal?

Lyle: Oh, he's an old friend of my dad's. Kind of a pain, what can you do. Total formality.

Teodor: That sucks. Where do I show up?

Lyle: We practice in Ray's spare room. Five o'clock.

www.achewood.com

Time for a silly poem!

2007-01-17T07:29:00.000-08:00

Oh ducklings!
How you make me smile
Waddling so fervently
Swimming all the while
I can't help but think
You'd make a bite-sized snack
Delicious, tender, ripe and pink
But "No!" you'd say "Quack Quack!"
"I am but a duckling child
So new unto the world
I have yet to see the wond'rous wild
Or kiss a duckling girl!"
Please do not think of troub'ling things
For your purpose here is brief
How I would love to fry your wings
Or bake you in a quiche

Consumating

2007-01-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

Yes indeed, a new way to find people who don't suck. If you're looking for your above average IQ and smart, witty, intelligent folks like yourself, look no further than www.consumating.com. This site allows you to post up to five profile pictures, as well as post pictures in their photo contests. Your popularity on the site is based on points. You accumulate points based on thumbs up given to your profile, your question answers, and your photo contest entries. You can also participate in discussions, or post a discussion of your own. I really enjoy this site and I highly reccomend it. My name on the site is "We live in the time of Robot Jebus". Go check it out! Go NOW!

Mark Zuckerberg Can Eat It.

2007-01-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

Ha! Well, as was my eventual goal, I got myself kicked off of Facebook (www.facebook.com).

Apparently, you're not allowed to create groups that defame anyone. Whatever happened to a little bit of healthy libel? Now it seems as if someone is trying to hack into my hotmail account. Coincidence? I think it's YOU, Mark Zuckerberg. Well, if you can't take a joke, that is just too bad. Luckily you don't have any control over what I do here on Nonsensical Gibberish....tool.

I was just having a little fun. Now you had to go and ruin it. But never fear! I shall return to Facebook, and wreak my havoc upon you! From the man who brought you such awesome groups as "George W. Bush is a TOOL", "Mark Zuckerberg is a TOOL", "Facebook is for dummies, therefore I am a dummy", "Processed Cheese is super neato!", "The Group with the longest name on facebook, therefore the group that is #1", I say, I shall have my revenge. I encourage all of you Facebookers to stand up for my right to commit random acts of libel. Create groups demanding my return! BOW DOWN BEFORE MY MIGHT! Or you might end up just like 'ole Zuckerberg here.

Jibber-Jabber out.

I'm sorry to say this...

2006-12-23T06:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it turns out that team member Loki Smoke never really knew that she was a team member. That would definetely explain the lack of postings. Well, doesn't that make me look quite the fool. Calling Loki Smoke out publicly and accusing her of having penile anxiety...shameful. One consolation to this was the fact that she actually read Nonsensical Gibberish and found out that she was indeed a contributor. I guess I wasn't really doing my job as administrator. I could have just sent her an email.

Call me what you will, but I won't be listening, unless it is positive.

My apologies

2006-12-20T19:55:00.000-08:00

I have been getting a few complaints about the lack of content lately on the blog.

Geez well I am sorry. Life just kind of gets in the way sometimes of proper blog maintenance. Really, I will tell you who the real culprits are: f-ing Facebook and Consumating (www.facebook.com, www.consumating.com). Facebook seems to be taking off with the same ferocity that myspace did about 6 months ago. What is with these trends in social networks? I'll bet you anything that in about 6 months there will be a new and exciting network to be a part of and Facebook profiles will go untended. This is a trend I am predicting, which has probably already been predicted in the past. Most likely it will be an updated version of Windows Live Spaces with increased functionality. I must admit though, Facebook is pretty fun. When all is said and done Nonsensical Gibberish will always be there for you. All it takes is a little open fire to roast these chestnuts of blogdom.

Thank you, and goodnight.

As per Ryan's request

2006-12-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

Old School Microphone!

Loki Smoke Where Are You?

2006-12-04T13:15:00.000-08:00

Loki, I realize that it would be just as easy to tell you this over email, however I feel that a public posting might be more effective. You joined the team a few weeks ago, yet we have not even seen one (1) posting by you. Is it performance anxiety? Is it rage? Penile rage? Penile anxiety?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad, I mean, I post enough to make up for all you slackers. As of right now, I am suspending your dental plan.

Consider your dental plan SUSPENDED!

DISCLAIMER

2006-12-01T11:19:00.000-08:00

The opinions expressed on Nonsensical Gibberish do not necessarily reflect those of its contributors. If you have a problem with something posted on Nonsensical Gibberish, we meant the opposite. The authors of Nonsensical Gibberish assume no liability for any action taken (whether legal or illegal) by any reader of Nonsensical Gibberish. However, if any positive action is taken, any awesome outcome is reached as a result of this site, we assume full responsibility for it.

Now listen up everyone! Do drugs and commit crimes! Wheeeeee!

Brokeback Parodies

2006-12-01T09:55:00.000-08:00

Which one's your favourite?

By Popular Demand - Sort Of

2006-11-30T18:32:00.000-08:00

I couldn't find a good quality screenshot of Evil Monkey on the red carpet, but I think this one will do just as well. Evil Monkey getting stoned and listening to Foghat!

A Handy Chart - Are You Fat?

2006-11-30T13:53:00.000-08:00

Your weight concerns me.

Better Than A Diet Pill!

2006-11-30T06:57:00.000-08:00

Evil Monkey, We Salute You

2006-11-29T07:19:00.000-08:00

Oh Evil Monkey, how evil you are! However, I think most of us can empathize with his plight. Who hasn't come home after a long day of work at the office only to find their wife in bed with another monkey?. I know I have! It definetely puts a damper on your day. It's hard to bounce back from something like that. Especially when you are a monkey.

So angry!

Since We're on the Topic

2006-11-27T11:09:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Monday. Again. We're back at the start of the pattern. Here begins the tedious loop and painful drudgery that we call the working week. So, in order to lighten this heavy burden, I'd like to talk about some fairly serious topics. Don't worry. This is important. Regular readers of Nonsensical Gibberish may be confused by this sudden change of tack into the Sensical. Well, this weekend I saw a few documentary films which were very provocative, especially in the thought area. They were:

1. An Inconvenient Truth

2. Iraq For Sale: The War Profiteers

3. Why We Fight

All three films are of excellent calibre, produced in a non-biased, logical format. An interesting thing to note here is that Haliburton (and its subsidiary KBR) is mentioned in both "Why We Fight" and "Iraq for Sale". I was left with a sour taste in my mouth when I realized how much collusion and favouritism exists among the higher-ups in the U.S. Government. The American people as a whole have been repeatedly lied to about every conflict since WWII. WWII was simply used as a catalyst to launch the States into their current era of war mongering and international bullying. Yet the average American remains blissfully ignorant of this fact, and remains confident that they are pursuing liberty and freedom. Even Eisenhower saw this coming, and warned against the mass accumulation of arms. The U.S. military is a ridiculous force, with the latest technology and advances designed to kill quicker and smarter, with more accuracy. What's even more ludicris is the propaganda machine behind George W. Bush. After September 11th, Bush called for the invasion of Iraq on the grounds that he was harbouring terrorists, and encouraging terrorism etc. However, recently he admitted in a press conference that there was NO connection between 9/11 and Sadaam Husein/Iraq. Interesting coincidence. Funny how Iraq used to be a great ally of the U.S., but as soon as they were poised to attack Saudi Arabia (world's largest reserves of OIL), the U.S. got involved. Bush Sr. and Sadaam were great friends at one time, were they not? Also, isn't it interesting that the Bush and Bin Laden family are close?

I'm not here to give everything away, I'm just pointing out some general inconsistencies about the United States. They are headed to be the next Rome, making a ton of enemies along the way. It almost seems that the war train may run out of tracks. All the money spent on military affairs in the U.S. is greater than all social programs put together.

Also, something going against the U.S. is global warming. On the world scale, the U.S. is probably close to the TOP polluter. Their cars are the most inefficient and the waste they produce per capita is higher than anywhere else in the world. Clearly, our global over-consumption not only leads to class seperation and poverty, but also will make the Earth uninhabitable. "An Inconvenient Truth" presents some incredibly astonishing facts. I recommend seeing it if you are concerned in any way for the environment.

I could go on and on and on about this, so I'll let you, the reader, choose what best course of action to take. Please, see these films, get involved.

I'd like to leave you with Eisenhower's final address to the nation. Please take the time to read this over and see how far the U.S. has strayed from the ideals of its founding fathers. It is a mockery.

Eisenhower's Final Address

January 17, 1961

Good evening, my fellow Americans: First, I should like to express my gratitude to the radio and television networks for the opportunity they have given me over the years to bring reports and messages to our nation. My special thanks go to them for the opportunity of addressing you this evening.

Three days from now, after a half century of service of our country, I shall lay down the responsibilities of office as, in traditional and solemn ceremony, the authority of the Presidency is vested in my successor.

This evening I come to you with a message of leave-taking and farewell, and to share a few final thoughts with you, my countrymen.

Like every other citizen, I wish the new President, and all who will labor with him, Godspeed. I pray that the coming years will be blessed with peace and prosperity for all.

Our people expect their President and the Congress to find essential agreement on questions of great moment, the wise resolution of which will better shape the future of the nation.

My own relations with Congress, which began on a remote and tenuous basis when, long ago, a member of the Senate appointed me to West Point, have since ranged to the intimate during the war and immediate post-war period, and finally to the mutually interdependent during these past eight years.

In this final relationship, the Congress and the Administration have, on most vital issues, cooperated well, to serve the nation well rather than mere partisanship, and so have assured that the business of the nation should go forward. So my official relationship with Congress ends in a feeling on my part, of gratitude that we have been able to do so much together.

We now stand ten years past the midpoint of a century that has witnessed four major wars among great nations. Three of these involved our own country. Despite these holocausts America is today the strongest, the most influential and most productive nation in the world. Understandably proud of this pre-eminence, we yet realize that America's leadership and prestige depend, not merely upon our unmatched material progress, riches and military strength, but on how we use our power in the interests of world peace and human betterment.

Throughout America's adventure in free government, such basic purposes have been to keep the peace; to foster progress in human achievement, and to enhance liberty, dignity and integrity among peoples and among nations.

To strive for less would be unworthy of a free and religious people.

Any failure traceable to arrogance or our lack of comprehension or readiness to sacrifice would inflict upon us a grievous hurt, both at home and abroad.

Progress toward these noble goals is persistently threatened by the conflict now engulfing the world. It commands our whole attention, absorbs our very beings. We face a hostile ideology global in scope, atheistic in character, ruthless in purpose, and insidious in method. Unhappily the danger it poses promises to be of indefinite duration. To meet it successfully, there is called for, not so much the emotional and transitory sacrifices of crisis, but rather those which enable us to carry forward steadily, surely, and without complaint the burdens of a prolonged and complex struggle – with liberty the stake. Only thus shall we remain, despite every provocation, on our charted course toward permanent peace and human betterment.

Crises there will continue to be. In meeting them, whether foreign or domestic, great or small, there is a recurring temptation to feel that some spectacular and costly action could become the miraculous solution to all current difficulties. A huge increase in the newer elements of our defenses; development of unrealistic programs to cure every ill in agriculture; a dramatic expansion in basic and applied research – these and many other possibilities, each possibly promising in itself, may be suggested as the only way to the road we wish to travel.

But each proposal must be weighed in light of a broader consideration; the need to maintain balance in and among national programs – balance between the private and the public economy, balance between the cost and hoped for advantages – balance between the clearly necessary and the comfortably desirable; balance between our essential requirements as a nation and the duties imposed by the nation upon the individual; balance between the actions of the moment and the national welfare of the future. Good judgment seeks balance and progress; lack of it eventually finds imbalance and frustration.

The record of many decades stands as proof that our people and their Government have, in the main, understood these truths and have responded to them well in the face of threat and stress.

But threats, new in kind or degree, constantly arise.

Of these, I mention two only.

A vital element in keeping the peace is our military establishment. Our arms must be mighty, ready for instant action, so that no potential aggressor may be tempted to risk his own destruction.

Our military organization today bears little relation to that known by any of my predecessors in peacetime, or indeed by the fighting men of World War II or Korea.

Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations.

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence – economic, political, even spiritual – is felt in every city, every Statehouse, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.

Akin to, and largely responsible for the sweeping changes in our industrial-military posture, has been the technological revolution during recent decades.

In this revolution, research has become central, it also becomes more formalized, complex, and costly. A steadily increasing share is conducted for, by, or at the direction of, the Federal government.

Today, the solitary inventor, tinkering in his shop, has been overshadowed by task forces of scientists in laboratories and testing fields. In the same fashion, the free university, historically the fountainhead of free ideas and scientific discovery, has experienced a revolution in the conduct of research. Partly because of the huge costs involved, a government contract becomes virtually a substitute for intellectual curiosity. For every old blackboard there are now hundreds of new electronic computers.

The prospect of domination of the nation's scholars by Federal employment, project allocations, and the power of money is ever present – and is gravely to be regarded.

Yet, in holding scientific research and discovery in respect, as we should, we must also be alert to the equal and opposite danger that public policy could itself become the captive of a scientific-technological elite.

It is the task of statesmanship to mold, to balance, and to integrate these and other forces, new and old, within the principles of our democratic system – ever aiming toward the supreme goals of our free society.

Another factor in maintaining balance involves the element of time. As we peer into society's future, we – you and I, and our government – must avoid the impulse to live only for today, plundering for, for our own ease and convenience, the precious resources of tomorrow. We cannot mortgage the material assets of our grandchildren without asking the loss also of their political and spiritual heritage. We want democracy to survive for all generations to come, not to become the insolvent phantom of tomorrow.

Down the long lane of the history yet to be written America knows that this world of ours, ever growing smaller, must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.

Such a confederation must be one of equals. The weakest must come to the conference table with the same confidence as do we, protected as we are by our moral, economic, and military strength. That table, though scarred by many past frustrations, cannot be abandoned for the certain agony of the battlefield.

Disarmament, with mutual honor and confidence, is a continuing imperative. Together we must learn how to compose differences, not with arms, but with intellect and decent purpose. Because this need is so sharp and apparent I confess that I lay down my official responsibilities in this field with a definite sense of disappointment. As one who has witnessed the horror and the lingering sadness of war – as one who knows that another war could utterly destroy this civilization which has been so slowly and painfully built over thousands of years – I wish I could say tonight that a lasting peace is in sight.

Happily, I can say that war has been avoided. Steady progress toward our ultimate goal has been made. But, so much remains to be done. As a private citizen, I shall never cease to do what little I can to help the world advance along that road.

So – in this my last good night to you as your President – I thank you for the many opportunities you have given me for public service in war and peace. I trust that in that service you find some things worthy; as for the rest of it, I know you will find ways to improve performance in the future.

You and I – my fellow citizens – need to be strong in our faith that all nations, under God, will reach the goal of peace with justice. May we be ever unswerving in devotion to principle, confident but humble with power, diligent in pursuit of the Nations' great goals.
To all the peoples of the world, I once more give expression to America's prayerful and continuing aspiration:

We pray that peoples of all faiths, all races, all nations, may have their great human needs satisfied; that those now denied opportunity shall come to enjoy it to the full; that all who yearn for freedom may experience its spiritual blessings; that those who have freedom will understand, also, its heavy responsibilities; that all who are insensitive to the needs of others will learn charity; that the scourges of poverty, disease and ignorance will be made to disappear from the earth, and that, in the goodness of time, all peoples will come to live together in a peace guaranteed by the binding force of mutual respect and love.

Now, on Friday noon, I am to become a private citizen. I am proud to do so. I look forward to it.
Thank you, and good night.

Friday Fun Facts - Volleyball

2006-11-24T06:33:00.000-08:00

Volleyball is a sport played by teams of six players each, who aim to score points by propelling a ball over a net into the opponents' court in such a way that the opponents cannot return it. Players can hit the ball with their hands or any part of their body above the waist. A team is allowed three hits to move the ball over the net. The game, originally called "mintonette," was invented in 1895 at the YMCA in Holyoke, Massachusetts by William G. Morgan. William Morgan studied at Springfield College and knew James Naismith, who invented basketball in 1891. Influenced and inspired by Naismith, Morgan blended aspects of basketball, baseball, tennis, and handball to devise a sport that could be played by older members of the YMCA. The set and spike was first demonstrated in 1916. The first beach volleyball game was played in 1930.

Mean Michael Richards a.k.a. Kramer

2006-11-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

Swords are not toys

2006-11-23T06:15:00.000-08:00

Cyanide and Happiness - I will continue to plug thee...

2006-11-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

I am on a quest. A mission to persuade all those who are AWESOME that they must be attune to the best resources available. This includes those that are educational, such as Nonsensical Gibberish, and those that will expand the mind further than they dared to explore before. Cyanide and Happiness, is by far one of the bestest bad comics ever created by our generation. Sickitated, grossimated, filth; this blunt comic is worth it's weight in cyberspace. I do recommend: www.explosm.net/comics

My First Published Work

2006-11-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

From Grade 1

"The Magic Story"

Once upon a time there lived a magician and he had a crystal ball. He could tell you your future. One day the ball fell and broke. The magic man said the magic words and the ball came back together and the magician lived happily ever after.

GOLD!!

Photoshop Days

2006-11-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy, Advice Column #7

2006-11-17T09:10:00.000-08:00

"In matters of the heart, always trust your instinct. It is always better to tread carefully on the waters of love, better to cause a ripple than a splash. Patience is a virtue. Be true to yourself, and you will never be lonely. I mean, look at me! I got all the mad bitches up on my shit, motherfuckers!"

-Thau Dong, Old Chinese Guy

Ode To Girl I Secretly Have A Crush On

2006-11-16T06:18:00.000-08:00

I really like your hair
It is 68% awesome, 32% luxurious
Your eyes are pretty special
They are in no way dead like a zombie
You are pretty much the most beautiful
Thing in the entire universe
You make me feel like I have
A learning disability
When I am around you
Maybe a slight mental retardation
But it feels good
Your smile is the highlight of my day
No jokes
But I usually ruin cool things
So I will just admire you
From a distance
Perhaps similar to a secret admirer
I'd like to go ice skating with you
Because I really like your jacket
And your athletic ability

Here We GROW Again!

2006-11-15T10:09:00.000-08:00

Once again, I feel it's necessary to welcome an avid reader of Nonsensical Gibberish turned contributor Womacky! to the fast-paced, guacamole-eating, small-child-scaring world of blogging. And what better forum than Nonsensical Gibberish? I expect great things from both Womacky! and Loki_Smoke. In your honour, here is this motivational poster.

Womacky!

2006-11-15T09:57:00.000-08:00

That's right people, Womacky! Not only appropriate for my general state of being, but also the best word to come out a tipsy night of family Balderdash! Talk about gibberish! It's amazing the creativity (a.k.a. CRAP) that can come out of a human's brain when challenged with obscure words after lengthy travels and a glass of wine.

I challenge you Jibber Jabber - and maybe Asian Dude if you two can stand to play nice!

Ode To Asian Dude

2006-11-15T06:32:00.000-08:00

Hey Asian Dude
Or maybe I should say Cliff
If that IS your real name?
"Why me?" you ask, throwing your hands up to the sky
I don't really have anything against you
Except maybe your happiness
And athletic ability
Plus I don't know how
You can justify
Having a website called NonSensical Gibberish
When everything makes sense
On your page
And nothing about it is random
Or nonsensical
Are you just trying to be witty?
Impress your friends?
Why do you feel you have to play ping-pong
Just because you're Asian
Way to live up to stereotypes

Check out Asian dude: www.nonsensicalgibberish.com

Oh Shit! It's Dr. Tran.

2006-11-14T08:58:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the team, Loki Smoke

2006-11-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to the first member to join the dynamic, energetic, synergy-inspiring Nonsensical Gibberish team.

Here is a Taco commemorating this momentous occasion.

INCREDIBLE RESEARCH FINDINGS #2

2006-11-10T12:21:00.000-08:00

Over the course of time, and many man-hours of research, my incredible findings continue.

1. It's hip to be square.
2. It's easier to fit a square peg in a round hole than it is to fit a hexagonal cat into a triangular dog.
3. Being emo is so over.
4. Television is responsible for the social fall-out of society.
5. Myspace is ruining life as we know it.
6. Seahorses are one of the only species in which the male carries and gives birth to the babies. And let me tell you, it is a really really weird thing to see.
7. Monkeys can be cute, or ugly.
8. Na na na na na na na na Batman.
9. Hard work doesn't always pay off.
10. 37.5% of statistics don't take into account the nearly 60% of people who lie on surveys.
11. People find it hard to be optimistic when there is so much negativistic energy around.
12. A crazy amount of people die in car accidents. Maybe there should be a more rigorous test to get your driver's licence.

Friday Fun Facts! Phonetic Alphabet

2006-11-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

This is the standard list of words used to identify letters of the alphabet unambiguously in police and maritime communications, air traffic control, and military contexts. It is also called the NATO alphabet, named after the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, which standardized it.

A - Alpha
B - Bravo
C - Charlie
D - Delta
E - Echo
F - Foxtrot
G - Golf
H - Hotel
I - India
J - Juliet
K - Kilo
L - Lima
M - Mike
N - November
O - Oscar
P - Papa
Q - Quebec
R - Romeo
S - Sierra
T - Tango
U - Uniform
V - Victor
W - Whisky
X - X-ray
Y - Yankee
Z - Zulu

Pessimistic Box of Chocolate Analogies

2006-11-10T06:37:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the movie "Forrest Gump"

Life is like a box of chocolates;
- by the time it gets around to you all the good ones are gone.
- someone has tampered with the box and filled one "lucky" chocolate with arsenic.
- unless you have the little card which denotes the characteristics of each chocolate, you might end up getting one with peanuts, and you are allergic to peanuts.
- eating the whole thing will make you ill.
- it will just make you fat.
- you never know when a poisonous cobra will jump out at you.
- when the box is empty you just throw it in the trash bin.
- lots of fun, but might require a painful drilling at the dentist's office.
- you unwrap it to find somebody has already sucked all the fun out of it.
- you never know when or where Al-Qaeda will strike next.

Tigers

2006-11-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

Oh glorious tigers!
Insanely majestic, large cats
Tramping joyously through the jungle
How I envy you!
Whether you be classic or white
You're pretty special
I would fight for you
Sacrifice my life
But who would want my hide
As a rug?

That's Some Kinda Update!

2006-10-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are, approaching Halloween. Is that awesome? Probably. I had a pretty good run there, what with all the postings and the suchlike. I'd just like to say that I hate Rogers. I mean, they're good guys I guess but really they are jerks. I won't go into the details, but I was this close to cancelling my service last night. But I didn't.

Some ideas I'm working on:

- Private investigation company
- Being more awesome
- Getting rid of some junk
- Denouncing my faith
- Yelling into the void
- Jumping up and down a lot
- Games of urban warfare
- Ways to make more money
- Etc.

Hahahah, also, I finally caved and bought an iPod. But it was worth it! It's totally excellent. This is not a plug for Apple. Other than that I am looking for an apartment with an office. For EVIL!

Only The Good

2006-10-13T10:25:00.000-07:00

Why are the good taken
What shall be left for me
A matter of timing
Too timid to fight for it

Too much respect for those
Who've put in the time and effort
I want the easy route
I want instant gratification

How easily we build up
Structures in our head of the reality
Seeming to be accurate
But reality's a crutch, expanding

Why are the good taken
A strange lover's lament
Left with the leftovers
Forgotten in the face of romance

Nothing good comes easily
But easy comes as easy goes
I'd settle for second-best
If my intentions were good, that is

Dreamscapes plan out the days ahead
Past, present, and future blend together
In a horrendous picture
A dance best left unstepped

Time flows in a circle
The days become a year
The years become your life
Help me make this liveable

Help me undertake the misgivings
Aid me in shedding these heavy robes
I need an assistant
But so much more

Each week a new flavour
Smothering in sweet syrup
I forget the original texture
A mixture of pain and regret

Every line is about love
Every verse is about longing
Each letter a piece of the puzzle
Nothing remains

Why are the good taken
I must have spoken too soon
Life can be so serious
Take some time out to scream into the void

This is happening all over again
Infinetely definite interpretations
A contradiction in as many terms
Soldering the empty shells to form a whole

Why are the good taken
Friendship is beauty
Trust is golden
Rely on your instinct

Awesome Vs. Lame

2006-10-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

Awesome: Finding a five-dollar bill on the ground!
Lame: Finding five-dollars worth of live bees in your pants.

Awesome: Roasting marshmallows!
Lame: When your marshmallow catches fire and you wave it around to extinguish the flames, but it's so gooey inside that the flaming crust flies off and lands in your girlfriends' hair and lights her hair on fire and then she is hella pissed at you for lighting her hair on fire.

Awesome: Getting wasted!
Lame: Not remembering what happened after the fourth shot of tequila, then waking up with a bad case of STDs.

Awesome: Water-balloon fights!
Lame: Getting hit with a water balloon filled with cat pee.

Awesome: Getting the Christmas present you really wanted!
Lame: Getting the Christmas present you wanted least, which was a stainless steel coffee mug filled with angry scorpions and hungry tarantulas.

Awesome: Making out with that girl you've always had the hots for!
Lame: Getting your face bitten off by that dog you've always been really afraid of.

INCREDIBLE RESEARCH FINDINGS

2006-10-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have done some extensive research, I have come to several conclusions:

1) Most blogs are written by losers and schizophrenics.
2) I am 89% talented and awesome.
3) Nonsensical Gibberish is the best blog ever, and should be read by everyone. (Including babies, the elderly, dogs, cats, and certain rodents)
4) Eating paint chips will increase your quality of life.
5) Women love me. Looooooove me.
6) Asian people are cool. Well, except for one specific Asian guy, who is my arch-nemesis. I'll get you Asian Dude (A.D. for short)! You may have done absolutely nothing to deserve this verbal punishment, however, here we are.
7) DO NOT, under any circumstances, use hand sanitizer on anywhere other than your hands.
8)http://nonsensical-gibberish.blogspot.com
9) A man is capable of doing some pretty desperate deeds, if pushed over the line.

Until Next Time,

Jibber-Jabber (aka Dr.Edit)

Unremarkable Last Words #2

2006-10-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

"Oh shit, I left the porch light on all night."

KING OF BLOGS

2006-10-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

"I Hereby Declare, Upon This Sixth Day Of October, In The Year Two Thousand And Six, That Nonsensical Gibberish Is Hereby Appointed The KING Of All Blogdom"
- Senior Blogland Magistrate